Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Blogging Tipsy

This is a long entry; if you want, you can click here to view it in a new window, leave comments, click on the blog babe of the day and fuck off, if you wish. Then again, I'm such an awesome writer, isn't I? Yah, that's right.

I came home today with a burning desire to play Grand Theft Auto and drink beer. It's like drunk driving, man, playing Grand Theft Auto tipsy. The only difference is you can pull out a virtual gun and shoot virtual dudes, which makes it super awesome. If I wasn't concerned about the horrible social values violent video games convey, I'd recommend that people spend more time playing them. I'm actually kind of apathetic. Thus, I recommend all of you go play violent video games. They're AWESOME!

Anyway, having had a couple beers, I'm a little tipsy, and don't really give a fuck. I love how I can swear freely in this blog; having your own blog is awesome. Every last one of you should get one. Sure, your blogs might suck, but hey, I won't read them, and you'll get to say whatever the fuck you want in them. Freedom of expression, man! Let's say you like pandas, and think they're the fucking greatest thing in the world. Every day you can say 'holy shit, pandas are awesome,' and, if you're lucky, people will come and read you, and be, like, 'shit, this guy is totally right! Pandas ARE awesome!'

Of course, you could also say that pandas are fucking useless, like this guy. But that's entirely your choice. You could even blog about your butt-plugs or some shit like that. On a side note, is it me, or are butt-plugs fucking illogical? Consider this - your butt is designed to propel shit out of it. It would thus take a very fucking strong plug to seal it up, right? Wouldn't it hurt like shit? I don't see how it would work; I'm sure it would destroy the elasticity of your anus. Sometimes I take really big shits, but man, a butt-plug? That would fucking suck, man!

Anyway, you can blog about whatever the fuck you want, and sometimes, people will read it and say, 'shut the fuck up, you're an asshole and your layout sucks'; other times, people will say 'holy shit! you fucking rock!' and other times, people will say 'I don't understand a fucking word you're saying, because you are an incomprehensible drunk moron who should drink less beer and stop farting.' Excuse me, I can't help farting. Lots of beer gives me gas, and farting feels awesome.

If you write about your friends, though, people might slime them. This is not always cool. Mr. QH says I totally misrepresented his tricks and made him look like a shameless git yesterday. I told him to write a clarification, and would like to say a few words in his defence. Let me tell you all, Mr. QH is not a shameless git. He is very shameful.

No, sorry, wait, fuck, that's not what I meant. I meant that he is a super cool guy. Mr. QH can sing damn well. He can also speak many languages. He also is a nice guy, universally loved by all because he isn't really all that greedy, but he jokes about it all the time and we know it and it's funny. I sometimes get anonymous comments saying, 'hey, Mr. Big Fuck, fuck you!' and I think, 'that's right, fuck me, I'm the big fuck. Fuckety fuck.' See, fuck has no power over me. You could tell me to shove a dildo up my asshole and sit on it because I'm such a fuckface, and I'd read your comment and respond, 'I don't want to shove a dildo up my asshole, alright? My asshole is for shitting through - shitting on fuckfaces like you. Poooot! See, I'm shitting on you, fuckface! Hahahahaha!' My friends, though, are kind of sensitive sometimes, and I think they're cool. So don't say mean things about my friends. Or say them, if you want, because I believe in free speech, and the right of all men to be stupid fucking assholes, so I can rant about what stupid assholes they are, and wish anal dildos on the lot of them, the fuckheads.

Excuse me for a while, I'm hungry.

Alright, I just came back from the kitchen. I opened the fridge and attacked it with a spoon. Unfortunately, you can't really eat ham with a spoon, so I stood there with a spoon for a while and felt like a stupid dickhead for a while. Bear with me, I'm waiting for Mr. QH to email me his response. He says he's shy; blogging takes thick skin, ok. You might get enemies, enemies who try to beat you up when you're walking down the street!

Oh wait, no, that's just my old bookie. But that's another story, for another day.

So, where was I? Oh yes, Linda Chia wrote me a very nice email asking me if I could ask all of you to go see if you could identify the fucker who stole her handphone. Sorry, I had to make that bold to catch the attention of the sleeping fuckers in the audience. Anyway, having looked at the photos on her blog, I'm pretty convinced that the fucker in question is a jellyfish. Or perhaps a piece of kueh lapis. In other words, the picture is blur as fuck. I read some of the comments on the post, though, and apparently some eagle-eyed internet dudes could make out some sort of face. Maybe it's one of those stereoscope sort of things or some shit like that. I could never fucking see those things. So, yeah, go see, and help catch the bugger!

Still waiting for Mr. QH....

Oh yeah, my roommate's cat got castrated today. I feel sad for small animals with no balls. Why can't they just give the poor guy a vasectomy instead? I suppose that no creature should be denied the joys of sex. Then again, I don't want cat sperm all over my living room. Ewww. This reminds me; if dolphins have sex for pleasure (as I heard on the discovery channel or something) does this mean that they sometimes masturbate? Or is dolphin pussy just fucking plentiful? I think this is a question you should ponder seriously.

Still waiting...

Oh yeah, I was meaning to post a disclaimer on this site. You know, one saying that I'm not always serious about the things I say, and how, you know, I make up a lot of bullshit that I write. Then, I decided not to. Let it state for the record that I absolutely mean EVERYTHING I write on this site. I am 1000 feet tall, and have superpowers, and shoot lasers out of my ass. I also am a stud with a penis that could level the Tokyo-Yokohama metropolis, and have extra miles left over to fight Godzilla. When I was born, African tribes started worshipping me as a fertility god, because that's how far my penis extended. This is all the truth, because I NEVER BULLSHIT. Also, I think about my GPA all the time, because I am obsessed with my studies. Finally, I am a completely evil and twisted human being, and I eat babies... with soy sauce.

Shit, idle banter sucks...AH HA! Mr. QH's clarification:

Dear fans of The Big Fuck,

I am really honored by The Big Fuck’s occasional feature of my
bag of tricks and would like to clarify certain issues for
clarity’s sake (obviously!).

First, I must give credit to two of my wise accomplices for
adding valuable tricks to the Mr. QH bag of tricks and
refining unrefined tricks. May we put our hands together for
The Big Fuck and the less-known Mr. ML! Go figure out who Mr.
ML is…

Second, for anyone who wants to try the Ipod trick, let me
clarify the details. I was fulfilling an AOL offer to help my
friend fulfill the Ipod offer. So after I completed ONE AOL
offer, I got ONE complimentary free magazine subscription!
Then behold the power of the Internet Explorer (IE was still
cool back then), I backspaced my way into the magazine
subscription page again. Then I applied THREE more times and
I got FOUR confirmation emails! Fantastic, I thought. BUT I
ended up with TWO magazine subscriptions (what screwed up?).
But never mind! I am delighted enough with my
deservedly-gotten gains (I helped someone get an Ipod, ok!) to
present you with the moral of the day so that you can enjoy
Wired and Stuff like me: Help someone today and you might end
up helping yourself!

Third, the “grab the railing” move was inspired by the hordes
of stupid bulls barging their way up the red SBS bus from the
side. You know, I am in the queue going up the bus (yes, I
queue up…what do you think huh? Mr. QH shoves everyone out of
the way and gets up the bus first? NO! The key here is
subtlety!), then you have these mindless bulls charging up
from the side (“so tricky”, Mr. ML will say). So what do I do
uh? Let them up and deprive my hot date a seat? Of course
not! So I devised this “grab the railing” move to reclaim
justice! Go try it today and earn yourself a seat today!

Mr. QH


Ah, Mr. QH is a funny guy, man.

Alright, finally - time for some Grand Theft Auto!



Today's rant brought to you by four bottles of Bitburger and a couple shots of Tequila.

Today's Blog Babe: addict, courtesy of Scarlett

61 Comments:

Blogger Adrian spewed forth...

Dude, you should drink more often. That was hilarious.

20/4/05 06:30  
Anonymous Jayelle spewed forth...

Grand Theft Auto rocks! I like to crush the innocent pedestrians ... if I'm not mistaken there's a good and proper squish sound right?

20/4/05 06:39  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

Why shoot lasers when you can shoot a beam of superheated, white hot plasm anyday? Hey...that didn't turn out right. Ok....

Why shoot lasers when you can shoot beams of superheated plasm? Lasers are sixties, star wars type weapons anyway. Not that star wars aren't good, but they're just...old.

20/4/05 06:58  
Anonymous elise spewed forth...

schwetie darlin',
see, drinking and working is fun!
#1--a vasectomy is not good enough because, it will simply inhibit cat spoo production. the cat will still produce testostersone which can make him aggressive, horny (therefore wanting to escape), and he would still have marking instincts (pissing on everything to make it his). nard chopping is quite smart. quit anthromorphosizing.
#2--i'm new to this blog thing. i'm really new to the singaporean blog thing. please post a quick reference of singaporean to english translations for the silly white girls out there...lah.
#3--after class is over, we are drinking together.

20/4/05 07:47  
Anonymous Jol spewed forth...

Hey I know someone whose dad wouldn't get their dog spayed because "it's not right that my dog should die a virgin", to which my friend said "Then why don't you fuck her yourself, since we all know you want to?" Poor dog - either way.

20/4/05 08:46  
Blogger Gabrielle spewed forth...

I once had a rabbit that was castrated too. poor thing. didn't even leave a stubble.

20/4/05 09:43  
Anonymous Sergeant Krap spewed forth...

Classic post man! Kept on copy pasting over to my MSN convos. It's a great load of unrelated babble that in the end makes a whole lot of bloody sense!

Meanwhile... allow me to refer elise to www.talkingcock.com

Was that spamming? I don't know, I assumed you would have led them there anyway.

And finally, I've seen this day's blog babe before as well! Somehow through "ah bu"s blog. Weird, I may as well move to Singapore, apparently I know people there.

20/4/05 10:04  
Blogger jllt spewed forth...

Alcohol worked for Li Bai. Looks like it's working for you too. Thank god you don't write poetry.

20/4/05 10:53  
Blogger Hai~Ren spewed forth...

w00t.

You ought to get wasted more often.

Oh, and dolphins do masturbate... kind of. They just have these little crazy male orgies where they're cavorting and rubbing their gentials against each other until they all get hard-ons. (Well, that's for the males at least; I forget whether the females have any lesbian parties)

Then there are eyewitness accounts of dolphins shoving their dicks down the blowholes of dolphins below them. Should be consensual, otherwise the dolphin who's getting his blowhole plugged up with dolphin dick would have trouble breathing (it's kind of like someone shoving his penis up your nostril)

And yes, dolphins are horny bastards. There are reports of horny male dolphins trying to get fresh with and maybe even rape swimmers and snorkellers, men and women alike.

20/4/05 13:19  
Anonymous Sergeant Krap spewed forth...

Actually, I suddenly remembered that I didn't make any comment on the whole dolphin masturbation thing until I was brushing my teeth this morning!

Well, it seems hai gave us some insights to it anyway... I was just thinking that it would be rather hard for a dolphin to masturbate alone, I mean, it's not like they have hands... and rubbing against the sorts of foreign objects you find in the ocean wouldn't be all that pleasant would it?

20/4/05 18:20  
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pigs orgasms can last for 30 minutes!

20/4/05 18:41  
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20/4/05 20:40  
Anonymous ci'en spewed forth...

Is Bitburger American beer? I'm drinking as much as it is humanly possible here before I go back to jacked up alcohol prices.

btw, I'd love to see a 'fuck' counter on your blog just to see the numbers rack up. :)

20/4/05 20:45  
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21/4/05 03:13  
Blogger Shortphat K spewed forth...

Dudeee, add another shot abysinthe or something and you will be the fucking biggest fuck in the house. Like Ci'en suggested...have a 'fuck' counter or some shit man.

21/4/05 03:38  
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21/4/05 05:11  
Blogger CELLE spewed forth...

drunk funnie fuckety fuck, do the cat now meoww an octave higher?

21/4/05 05:46  
Blogger crazycat spewed forth...

cats dun meow an octave higher la..
hehe... my cat's been done too.. poor him... got any new pic of the kitty?

21/4/05 08:10  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

AQ: I drink fairly often, actually, but I'm usually to busy practicing my projectile vomiting to blog.

JL: YAHLOR! GTA IS AWESOME!

anon: plasm? I don't like plasm. Lasers will never go out of fashion.

elise: Haha...I give you good points on your strategic use of lah, seeing as to how it was appropriate in that context. Be careful, though, lah cannot anyhow use one! Be sure to check out the singlish references in the next post! Also, I will be sure to quit anthromorphosizing, and continue eating furry animals instead of sympathising with them. After all, meat is not murder, but dinner.

jol: That's an awesome anecdote. You have good stories dahling.

gabrielle: rabbits are too tasty to sympathise with, i'm sorry. as for pigs, wah shit, if only they enjoyed sex, that would be damn shiok, right? except i figure if i had a 30 minute orgasm, i'd probably die from all the fluid i was leaking.

sgt krap: who is ah bu? and yeah, dolphins are funny.

t: why leh? you think i cannot write poetry isit? I can write poetry quite powerful ok! just that I have since decided that my poetry will always be pretentious, and given it up.

dinosaur guy: wah, thanks for the heads up on dolphins. you are a one clever dude.

yellowpony: what, you mean you didn't find me irresistably sexy BEFORE?

ci'en: i think bitburger is a german beer, and yes, i'm drinking my head off too. Regarding the fuck counter, well, next post.

pseudofairy: awesome. i've seen your blog, and i'm probably going to link you too.

shortphat: I actually have some absinthe. It tastes like liquorice, and I really like this drink called applesinth, which is awesome.

Anon: She's quite cute lah. Somemore from my old JC...can lah.

Celle: Haha...no, he still chews at my cables and stuff, but I think his meowing was pretty high pitched to begin with.

Crazy Cat: ah, poor, castrated animals. I got new pics, of course, but hey, this is not a cat blog, ok. I am not a crazy cat dude. Hmph.

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