Tuesday, April 19, 2005

How to Get Ahead (or at least in front)

So, I had dinner with Mr. QH today (you know, Mr. QH from the eat yourself silly post. I was in the library, studying, when he came up to me:

QH: Eh, what you doing?
Me: Wasting time lah, you blind is it?
QH: You eat already?
Me: No leh...why? Can you find a free dinner?
QH: Dunno...let's see...eh...I see first years.
Me: Steady, free dinner. You think it's ok?
QH: Aiyah, surely ok lah, I know them. Let's go!
Me: But...but...their dining plan is at the lousy dining hall!
QH: Yeah, that's true...what time is it?
Me: 6.30.
QH: Oh wait, we can look for the Singaporeans!
Me: Good idea!
QH: Let me just ask these guys, then if the first plan fails we got a BACK-UP PLAN!

So, over dinner, Mr. QH and I discussed yet more plans for getting small advantages in life. Honestly, few things are more important than the little battles you fight - getting in front of lines (why should you be in the back? OBVIOUSLY, your time is worth more than everyone elses!), getting to eat the most at dinner (after all, you're paying too, what - you have to MAXIMISE every cent, right? If your pennies aren't screaming, you aren't pinching them hard enough, you know!) and making sure you know EXACTLY when the next free stuff giveaway is (if YOU don't take the free stuff, someone else WILL). Mr. QH told me how he filled out the ipod offer THREE TIMES, not for an ipod, but for additional magazine subscriptions.

You might ask, why does Mr. QH do this? Are magazines really so interesting?

According to him, they're 'quite nice, what...you can read Wired and see what's hi-tech...not bad...free, you don't want meh?'

Mr. QH always has little rules. We discussed crowded buses as well. First, there are basic rules of positioning (these are quite simple - anticipate where the door will be and stand there; don't be a dodo and go and stand near the windows (you think you're the S.W.A.T. team or something, is it? Don't be stupid! You go into buses through the DOOR, not the window)! However, once you've done this, what about those guys who try and squeeze in front of you?

Mr. QH says: Just grab the railing!

By grabbing the railing, you cut off their path to the door, and if they push, you can just pull yourself up, guaranteeing that you will be FIRST up the bus. Well done!

Next, we have an addendum to the eating thing - some of you posted your suggestions, but none of them dealt with the concept of dinner conversation. Now, it is very obvious that you are stuffing your face if you don't talk. If you're eating non-stop, people are likely to think you're bad dinner company, anyway. The question, therefore, is how to maximise eating AND dinner conversation at the same time. Mr QH and I came to the conclusion that the best way is to ask questions the big eaters will want to answer - if they're football buffs, ask them about the coming season. If they're hardware geeks, ask them about the benefits of different sound cards. You get the picture. While these people are yakking, stuff your face. Be sure to pause occasionally, look interested, and make reassuring noises. If you're mouth is exceptionally full, interested grunts will also suffice.

Mr. QH wants to write a book with all his special tricks for getting ahead. I told him to start a blog instead, but he declined; he's too busy trying to squeeze himself a better GPA. He and I concluded that if you're about to receive an A- for a class, you're better off taking it pass/fail - after all, given our 3.8something GPAs, an extra 3.7 will pull you down, right? Think smart, people!

Besides, getting a blog will diminish his aura of mystery, he says.

We'll see, Mr. QH. We'll see.

Today's Blog Babe: crazy beautiful; yah lah, quite beautiful.


Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

Rule No 101 of life: A chiobu is 90% likely to have a boyfriend. The remaining 9% possibility is that she's a lesbian. 1% allows for the possibility that she's extremely ambitious and focused on the future(I've met one before, and she was the one I liked. Awwww...).

Thus, the average guy has a 0% possibility on getting a chiobu for a girlfriend. Let's all become monks.

19/4/05 01:12  
Blogger Shortphat K spewed forth...

Damn J!!! Your blogbabe of the day for this post is KICK ASS HOT man!!! This one tops it all

19/4/05 01:34  
Blogger Panda Gets Bear spewed forth...

rule: people should find friends who are of equal or slightly greater/lesser attractiveness. if you are ugly, finding someone of greater attractiveness will definitely raise your stock value. on the other hand, if you are beautiful, people of far less attractiveness will lower your stock value.

it's just unnatural.
i mean, it makes you question your convictions.

xoxo, le bitch

19/4/05 02:41  
Blogger Claris spewed forth...

wah. gd explanation on how to get on board the bus first!

19/4/05 06:37  
Blogger Gabrielle spewed forth...

wah! chio le.. cute and sweet. heehee.

19/4/05 07:16  
Anonymous elise spewed forth...


then click on free food. every now & then you can find large volumes of free alcohol and you always can find a free pizza.

please, please tell me that you both are joking about the GPA situation? the fact that the undergrads are so tightly wound really bothers me.

show up loaded to class like the grad-students do. we actually get a lot done this way & have fun doing it.

19/4/05 08:11  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

You know what? I think you mastered the differentiating factor which would win you legions (or maybe a 100) of fans. Your blog babe of the day. Really fantastic. In marketing, we learn that to thrive in the marketplace, you need to either differentiate yourself by low cost (which hardly works here) or by a niche which noone else has. Keep up with the blog babe thing, and your hits will go way up. These few days, instead of going to all the famous blogs, I'm reading yours. Which could mean a lot in the long run.

19/4/05 11:25  
Blogger Sancia spewed forth...


I saw a comment on my blog saying something about a bigfuck link so I asked around and got here. Read quite a bit of your entries, its refreshing with a candor and humour - niceee. Thanks for naming me blogbabe of the day though I must say this is the first time I've seen something like this! (And how did you know about my journal anyway?) Quite a surprise but I guess that's what makes your blog has its own unique flair and pomp.



19/4/05 14:45  
Anonymous Sergeant Krap spewed forth...

very nice tips man... and of course, diagrams help people who are a bit slower

I've noticed a lot of attention is directed at the blog babe concept which aye is a great piece of marketing... and a true testament to that is the fact that I found this site through hers! Now there's some cross-branding marketing communication for ya!

19/4/05 22:27  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

these tricks sibei jian lor, reflect how ugly and self-centered some people can be.. dem lak seh.. Don't tell me Mr.QH is Singaporean... I don't know if I should feel ashamed if he is.

nnb don't tiew our lian leh...

19/4/05 23:35  
Blogger ling spewed forth...

wahahahahaha... that's what differentiate singaporeans from the rest... but i have to agree that the bus tactic works best man!!!

20/4/05 02:40  
Anonymous Mr. QH spewed forth...

To answer Mr. Anonymous who has so “kindly” branded me “sibei jian”, “ugly” and “self-centered”, I am Singaporean. However you like to think, I leave it up to you. I like to believe that I do Singapore more proud than shame. And fyi, just because the tricks came from my bag doesn’t mean I practise them. But when I do, at least I admit I do, unlike the throngs of self-righteous pretenders out there.

20/4/05 03:41  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

anon: fuck lah, i will get a chiobu girlfriend and SHOW you. just you wait.

shortphat: Haha, glad you enjoy. Apparently, she enjoy too. So we all enjoy. Yeah!

mlle b: I figure I do a pretty good job of lowering the value of those around me, which makes me cool. Yeah!

claris: thanks to mr. qh!

gabrielle: heeehee...yalor.

elise: I'm DEAD SERIOUS. read the disclaimer. heh. by the way...that link? pure gold. awesome.

anon2: aiyah, mr. miyagi got that trick before me; i just made it more shameless. thanks for reading though, i appreciate.

sancia: steady, i love it when chiobus like you read my blog. it makes me feel lurved.

sgt. krap: steady lah! looks like soon i will have a following of chiobus if i play my cards right. then i can hit on them and get rejected! yeah!

anon3: i am ugly and self-centered, but at least i'm honest. and always serious. also, i am completely shameless, considering i used to work as a male escort and also exotic dancer, so of course i have no qualms about 'tiewing' peoples' 'lian'. Hello? I'm big fuck, leh!

ling: yalor! no tactics, all kena fuck right!

mr qh: u r cool, man.

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