Saturday, April 16, 2005

Some People Should Just Shut Up.

So, I started reviewing blogs for the weblog review today. I figure that while I might not exactly be a world-famous, top-quality blogger per se, I'm pretty good at telling good blogs from crap blogs. Man, reviewing blogs is kind of tiresome. Due to the fact that I feel like I owe it to the bloggers I review to read through at least 60 or 70 percent of their entries before pronouncing judgement, I found myself trudging through banal comment after banal comment, wishing that someone would come along and shoot me because my brain was going numb from the sheer repetitiveness of it all.

Again, let me state that I have nothing against the people who write mundane blogs. I figure it's your right to write stupid, wankathon blogs about your mundane, wanky life, and share them with your wanker friends if you so choose. What I absolutely cannot comprehend, however, is why these people, who are ostensibly (I love that word, ostensibly) writing about their personal lives, choose to submit their sites to the weblog review. What are they hoping for? Are they hoping that a reviewer will find their writing style exquisitely beautiful, and bring publishers to give them a book deal? Are they hoping that they will have a sudden influx of readers taking an interest in their mundane-ass lives? Or, perhaps, here's my favourite theory - perhaps they're hoping that people reviewing their blogs will tell them, 'hey, so-and-so, your life is cool! You are cool! Hey, so-and-so, you rock!'

Seriously, man, this shit is not going to happen. Here's my advice; if a typical entry in your blog is something along the lines of, ' was XXX event, I went with A and B and C. it was fun / not fun / funny / totally boring / the most amazing thing I've seen since the last amazing thing I saw' or 'today I saw this movie, it was good, too much violence, blahblahblah' - yeah, if your blog consists of nothing more than this sort of thing, and perhaps the occasional quizilla result, you are, in all likelihood, writing for yourself and your friends. Do as all a favour, and keep your blog to your little circle. Occasionally (and I mean, very occasionally), you will come across bloggers who relate their experiences in an engaging, thought-provoking, and, if you're lucky, amusing way. However, you don't swing this by writing two line entries about how your day went, and you CERTAINLY don't achieve this by being long and tedious.

Here are my tips for making your blog bearable to an audience who does not know your friends, does not know you, and does not know why they should read your blog. I know that several 'how to blog' guides are already out there, but, if you're thinking of getting other people to read your blogs, here's a little checklist:

1) For the love of all that is good, edit your posts. I admit, I'm not exactly the best when it comes to doing this, but seriously, it would be great for blogging if people at least gave their entries a once-over before posting them. Keep your entries as short as they possibly can be. I like to rant, but then, I'm an angry guy like that. At least I skim what I've written a couple times before I post it. If you can't even be bothered to read what you write before you post it, don't expect anyone else to be bothered to read it, either. Except your wanky friends, of course.

2) Throw in a picture or two, if at all possible. Again, there are exceptions to this, but unless you write really well, (and I mean really well), it always pays to throw in a couple of pictures to break the monotony. Nothing's more intimidating, and frankly annoying, than a shitload of words. What, you think people don't read enough at school / the office / on road signs, is it? Please, everyone here can read. That's beside the point. Spare us your monologues.

I know, I get wordy. But hey, I think I write really well. Sue me.

3) Don't offend me with your goddamn template. If you don't know what I mean, read this entry by me, or this entry by the calm one or this entry by Adrian. There you have it, 3 fairly good bloggers agree: a lot of sites have sucky templates, and should never see the light of internet day. If you have one of these sites, don't spam your friends tagboards with demands that they link you; don't advertise your site all over the place. Change your template to something manageable like minima, then grow a brain.

Ok, those are just the basic, basic, basic things I can come up with off the top of my head. The underlying principle behind all this, however, is simple - there are two types of blogs - blogs which actually take into account the fact that they are written for other, reasonably intelligent human beings, and blogs written for giggling pre-pubescent morons; before you think about plugging your blog, therefore, it would help a GREAT DEAL if you were to reflect on whether your blog was worth plugging in the first place.

That being said, I suppose I have to grudgingly respect self-confidence. Thus, I am plugging the following blogs. Read them if you will:

Following my Xiaxue Killers post, lots of people have been asking me to feature blogs with good-looking guys in them. Seeing as to how I don't give a monkey's backside whether a guy is good-looking or not, I am unable to recommend any. However, I was going to chinatown the other day with a friend, when he said something to the effect of, 'eh, I'm quite handsome what, feature me, lah.'

I've heard some female friends actually saying this guy is fairly handsome, so I suppose there's no harm. Go see for yourself, lah. Oh, and I think he was actually joking, so I'm totally sabo-ing him here. I'm such a good friend, hor?

The other volunteer I have actually used the age-old 'Hi, I linked you' ruse - bloggers like me like being linked. I almost always check out blogs which link me. When I checked this blog, however, I found that it's owner had nominated himself as one of the potentially up-and-coming male bloggers. I have no comment. Except perhaps that shamelessness is damn amusing to me. In a good way.

Finally, I have to plug my teaching assistant's blog, because she's trying to get money to pay for something she bought very foolishly or something. I'm plugging this blog totally because I think this is a worthy cause, and not because I think she will give me better grades if I do nice things like this (Heh, heh). What type of guy do you think I am, anyway?

Ok, sorry for going on like this. I will stop now.

Today's Blog Babe: Angela; I think there's some background music playing somewhere on this site, but given that I find the song relatively unannoying, I'm willing to let it slide.


Blogger Adrian spewed forth...

As I recall, I did the "Hi, I linked you" thing to you too, haha. Actually, I almost always ask someone not already famous if they'd mind being linked because I think it's courteous.

16/4/05 07:04  
Anonymous elise spewed forth...

teaching assistant elise here...
i think that i'm officially the #1 big-fuckin' fan. thanks for supporting "the cause". "the cause" needs more hard-working young men like you. regarding your grade, you just let me know if things are not perfect. it is quite easy to beat professors into submission. ummm, don't mention that...
Sloppy smooches to you!

16/4/05 07:53  
Anonymous gabe spewed forth...

wah kaoz J, i was just kidding during supper in chinatown!

16/4/05 10:49  
Blogger Panda Gets Bear spewed forth...

dood i can totally be your mirror site that has blog hunks. wooot.


16/4/05 11:06  
Blogger Daniel Ho spewed forth...

I figured after reading through or rather scanning through, my blog is an acquired taste.. :) could be a totally lousy blog according to some, most i say.... :)

16/4/05 11:07  
Anonymous Sugarrush spewed forth...

Whoaaa...BigFuck.. you already got into your TA's good book.. haha.. gd man.... next time i also wanna buy an expensive bag and ask pple to donate.. muahahahaha... nice leh...

16/4/05 11:16  
Anonymous vinyarb spewed forth...

wahaha.. u really mentioned me eh.. thx dude. yeah, blog reviewing can be damn cumbersome.. -__-

16/4/05 12:03  
Blogger Mr Miyagi spewed forth...

Beat me to plugging Angela. Gotta look for another one now...

16/4/05 13:36  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

eh make ms irene ley!!!

16/4/05 14:16  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

AQ: haha, too bad I'm such a rude person. I just really don't care, I suppose.

elise: huzzah! I feel better already...hope that bag thing works out for you.

gabe: I know, lah. I just wanted to sabo you what.

mlle b: haha, yes, you can, if you want - you'd have to start blogging a lot more, though.

dnaiel: haha, that's cool - before you promote your blog, it can be however you want it to be; it's just that, if you want your blog to be famous, QC is kind of in order. that's what i think, anyway.

sugarrush: i want to ask people to donate many things, but nobody ever donates to me...sad, hor?

vinyarb: not only I plug you, now even my net buddy Adrian also plug you! Shiok or not?

mr. miyagi: lately, i've been trying to keep a couple on a waiting list - damn hard to find a chiohbu blog every day, you know!

IAIA: hahaha...errr.....heh....ladidadidadada.

16/4/05 19:10  
Blogger Kenny Sia spewed forth...

Out of topic this one, but when do you think XiaXue is gonna post her answers to the IQ test a while ago? Its been more than a month.

Wanna place a bet? :D

16/4/05 20:17  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

you're beginnning to read like a magazine/newspaper...interesting graphics. hehe...just damn bored now lar. anywaez let it be known da Big Fuck has a Big voice too...i sang Ai Pia Jia Eh Yia with him for tt Karaoke competition. He ROCKS. heheh...more advertising for you lar.

- Gary ur not so kick-ass, but tryin to kick-ass friend

16/4/05 23:03  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...


16/4/05 23:42  
Anonymous Kiyo Kiyama spewed forth...

I recommend to you She is absolutely adorable!

17/4/05 01:02  
Blogger crazycat spewed forth...

now i am afraid of saying anything.. my blog kinda sucks too .. :p

17/4/05 01:53  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth... - used to write a lot of evocative entries before she switched. This one is loaded with photos and photos and you like photos so there you go dude.

Check out also

17/4/05 02:20  
Anonymous Jayelle spewed forth...

Ah, but you're one of those few very very wordy and VERY interesting bloggers around. :) Perhaps I'm not a singaporean and I don't frequent Singaporean blogs therefore I don't see your link around. So I've always had this image of your blog being one of those undiscovered ones. But I must've been mistaken. Oh well, in time to come your blog will be peppered all over the regions' blogosphere.:)

I totally get you on that whole linking thing! It's one of the more rewarding things that blogging can bring.

17/4/05 03:43  
Anonymous rach spewed forth...

just thought i'd share =)
pet peeve: girlies who think they are fashionistas. make that, less-than-pleasant looking girlies who think they are fashionistas.

17/4/05 04:54  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

kenny: I bet she won' much you want to bet?

jackjinlee: what talking you? why newspaper? i catch no ball, leh, mister!


kiyo: not bad, a bit young, but nevermind lah, hor? she goes on my list.

cat: aiyah, i'm not so fierce lah! it's ok.

anon: wah, good recs! also go on my list.

jayelle: fanks leh! hopefully yes, i will win!

rach: fashionistas! nice word.

17/4/05 06:42  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

joel joel.. oh ya you have never mentioned your name.. rough guess.. joel tan beng seng?

17/4/05 10:20  
Blogger jllt spewed forth...

Oh yes. I hate girls who self-proclaim to be fashionistas/fantastic make-up artists/amazing hair dressers... If you are really that good, people will notice (although most girls will not tell you so unless they need your oh-so-good advice).

Reminds me of a comment by a fashion editor that I once read:

"It's great that many have turned up for the show, but somehow I felt something was amissed as the women in front of me, dressed to the nines in 80s Versace silk blouses, declared each outfit on the runway as a 'must-buy'. Don't they know it was a Bvlgari show?"

17/4/05 12:23  
Anonymous vinyarb spewed forth...

Waahh... Adrian also plug me! Shiok ah!

17/4/05 23:42  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

anon: wah, saying i'm both beng and seng ah? I'm not beng, ok!

t: fashion, if you haven't guessed by now, is a total mystery to me. i can tell soccer jerseys apart at 80 paces, but actual clothes? i don't really give enough of a fuck.

vinyarb: yalor, so good, hor? shows you the benefit of links!

18/4/05 02:40  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...


Yes i totally AGREE with you. check out this girl that big fuck has featured in his blog: She is the perfect example of what you are talking about.

All she does is buy but she dresses normal. If she really is all that she says she is, it would show. She need not tell the world.

Big fuck, you called her a "certified babe"? Most girls would say she looks like a certified bitch.

Angela on the otherhand, is an absolute angel. i think you can really tell what someone is like from their blog and the way they portray themselves in writing.

20/4/05 23:44  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

anon: aiyah, what to do? i'm a guy, and a shallow guy at that. i wish i was could tell the nice girls from the nasty ones, but all i can tell sometimes is the pretty faces.

and sometimes, not even that.

woe is me.

29/4/05 14:17  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

i knew angela in primary school then, and she was tomboy.. but a great person. as for daphne, oh what the heck-- she's rich, she's pretty, she can afford to buy stuff.. she's singapore's paris hilton. She's also my second cousin's girlfriend, so whatever.

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