Mr Miyagi, Mr. Brown and Adri are all plugging the latest Cowboy Caleb post on how we should make love not war or some shit like that. While I laud the efforts of these very noble individuals in making a nice, loving blogosphere or whatnot, I have to say I actually kind of am the sort of person who doesn't mind watching a blog being torn to shreds. Note that I wouldn't actually do such a thing, seeing as to how I'm both a) fucking self-obsessed (if I was so free to hate on someone's blog, I'd at most do it on my own blog and increase MY traffic, instead of letting said fucker enjoy a traffic increase from my publicity) and also b) incurably lazy (hating on blogs is damn troublesome, you know).

That being said, though, I'm getting sick of the whole 'be yourself' or 'be consistent notion' getting passed along the Singapore blogging circles. Truth be told, screw that shit. It fucking sucks. The vast majority of blogs I read are really painfully fucking boring. I'm not saying my blog is the best or something (even though, being me, I think it's pretty fucking awesome); I'm just saying, compared to all the crap you read in other blogs, this shit is relatively less stinky. Since my site is so incredibly awesome, I decided to submit it to Best Blogs in Asia; having already submitted it to ricebowl journals, singapore weblogs topsites and a whole slew of other blog directories, however, the prickly bastards at best blogs in asia rejected my site; here's an excerpt from the email they sent me:



Just to reiterate my reply: fuck you, best blogs in asia! I know, I'm being bitter and petty. Seriously, though, fuck them. Just because my site is titled 'The Big Fuck,' apparently makes it too coarse for their pretty little site. I may be a little vulgar, but hey, I'm not as vulgar as my new blogging hero MasaMania, and he made it to their rankings. I suspect their rankers don't even actually read the goddamn sites, because they're too busy masturbating or something. Fucking wankers. That being said, MasaMania is on the BOTTOM of their rankings, showing that they all suck balls at best blogs in asia. On top of that, their domain name is 'misohoni' - what the hell is this? Some stupid white person probably watched Full Metal Jacket and thinks all Asians speak like that. What an asshole! I am angry. Granted, I would be less angry if they had said 'we like your site, we think it rocks,' but nonetheless, this just gives me another reason to bash them. While I respect Cowboy Caleb and want to do my bit to increase the peace, I have to say this to http://www.misohoni.com:



Blog directories, especially those with such lofty titles, as 'best blogs in asia' are supposed to help us separate the wheat from the chaff, they're supposed to filter out the funny, the insightful, the well-written and index them, so you don't have to cycle through the tedious, the unintelligible and the poorly designed bullshit you see elsewhere on the internet. Ever since every three legged donkey and his mother gained the capability to publish their daily pile of excrement on these weblogs we've been reading, there has been a glut of fucking retards telling the whole world what colour their boyfriends' faeces was this morning or how many times they argued with the bitch sitting next to them in class, and doing it in fucking unintelligible english, too. I'm someone who spends a lot of time on the internet reading random blogs, so I'd appreciate it if the really really crappy ones just exploded or something. It would make me that much happier a cyber surfer. Seriously. Thus, I think some criticism is good. Naturally, I only think it's ok to hate on people I think suck. Here are some rough guidelines on blogs I think suck by default:

1) Blogs with too many flashy plug-ins.
Seriously, what the fuck are these kids thinking? I don't care if you love the latest teeny boppy boyband video (actually, I do, since it's evidence that you suck and should die), but I sure as fuck don't want to see it on your website. If I wanted to play music, I'd do it in winamp. If I wanted to see a music video, I'd go and download it. Are these people thinking that I'll be impressed by their automatically loading mtvs they stole off some other site? Maybe they expect me to kiss their ass because their site is so cool, seeing as to how it plays music. Maybe, however, they are fucking butt-heads and should die.

Similarly, flash animations and shit like that, yeah, that pisses me off too. The occasional animated gif is pretty awesome (for an example of this, see xiaxue's phone sex post). However, I don't want to see your whole fucking website vibrating. If I wanted a whole bunch of vibrating shit on my screen, I'd buy a bunch of vibrating dildos and tape them to my monitor. Seriously, fuckheads - next time you make a blog, less flashy bullshit, more content, please.

2) Poorly designed blogs.
The vast majority of fuckhead blogs I see on the internet are cramped into little tiny boxes, require you to press a zillion and one tiny little buttons before you can actually get to their blogs, have ten different custom background images obscuring all the text, or do some other retarded jackass piece of shit stunt like this to piss me off. Here's a word of advice: if you don't know how to use html, get a fucking template and stick with that. I hate those jackasses with illegible blogs. They fucking suck my balls.

That being said, I know it's often hard to wield html. Hell, sometimes I figure I have problems with it myself. I try to keep the layout of this site fairly simple, but I know sometimes there may be some formatting issues. If you ever see these on my blog, email me about it. You can swear at me. I can take it.

But yeah, all you fuckers with anime angels or pictures of the ocean in their backgrounds - you fucking suck. I can't read the shit you say, and even when I can, I automatically think, "man, this guy is a fucking retard." Maybe this makes you happy, because you are a fucking retard, in which case, I have nothing to say. Maybe you think you are cool regardless. I think you're wrong, and I'm always right. Fuck you.

3) Blogs which bore me.
Ok, here I'm walking on kind of tenuous ground, because there is a lot of good shit out there which bores my fucking pants off. For starters, anything about politics usually bores me, because, quite frankly, I don't give a flying fuck. I know, some self righteous asshole is going to say, 'oh, you don't give a fuck about politics, what are you going to do when the world is ruled by fascists and they rape your mother, etc. etc.'

Hey, asshole, shut the fuck up. I know politics is important, I just really can't bring myself to pay attention to people talking about politics for more than five seconds. Blame it on the fact that I have a very small brain, if that makes you feel better. Basically, every time I hear a conversation about politics, I start thinking about football scores, then hot girls, then I start getting pissed off that I have to sit there while people go on and on about politics. It bores me silly. Thus, when I'm surfing the internet, I really don't like reading about politics. I'd much rather be looking at ninjashot.com (NOT WORKSAFE, BY THE WAY). For those of you who know what ninjashot.com is, and think I'm disgusting, here's a little confession I have to make:



Other things which bore me include the majority of humanity's sad and pathetic existences. Here again, I have to make a little disclaimer. Ironically enough, a large number of blogs I actually do read and love are about sad and pathetic lives. In the end, it's all about style. If you make me laugh, you win, you are king. You could write about your genital warts or your girlfriend's eyelashes, but if you make it funny, you win. If you're a shit writer, and you write about shit, your blog will be shit. This is due to a well known scientific principle called Big Fuck's first law, which states that shit + shit = shit. QED, fuck off.

Alright, to make myself seem like less of an asshole, I'm not saying that all these blogs should be shut down. What I AM saying, however, is that Best Blogs in Asia sucks major donkey dick, and that the rankings are totally crap. I checked out most of their tops blogs, and they are absolute rubbish, with too many embedded music videos, too many kiddy anime pictures and less collective intelligence than a retarded siberian hamster with a learning disability. Yes, I'm bitter. Yes, I think I'm hot shit. Let me reiterate, however, that I think it's one thing to publish your wankazoid blog for your wankazoid friends and have them read it in your daily electronic wankathon, but it's a totally different thing when all your wankazoid friends read your stupid ass bullshit and say, 'oh my god, this is awesome' when it fucking isn't. Spare me this bullshit.

Maybe I'm expecting too much, because the vast majority of the population is a bunch of fuckheads. I suppose, however, that this is the cruel nature of life. To all the fuckheads out there, I can only say this:



Yeah, fuck you.

Alright, I've gone on for a fair bit on that, so I guess I'll have to save my views on Singlish for another day. Just so you know, the calm one and mr. brown recently posted a bit about Singlish. I love Singlish. I have a lot to say about it. This will all have to wait for my next post. For now, though, people hoping to define things in Singlish should refer to the wikipedia entry on Singlish, because it's really well written.

Ok, finally, housekeeping. I noticed that yesterday (4th of April) my site received more trafific than it ever has in its history. Here's evidence:



During that same time, I got a measly 8 comments. While site traffic may have fallen for my April Fool's joke, I don't see why more people have been leaving less comments. I suppose, in short, I'm asking you all, very nicely, to please leave comments. It's ok if all you have to say is 'you are cool' or 'I hate you and hope you die.' I really don't care. I just want to know that someone out there is reading this shit. That being said, thanks to all the people who leave comments (yes, even you bastards who say fuck you, it's kind of funny); please keep doing it, because then I will feel like I am special, and everyone likes feeling special, even though they really aren't and should die.

Ok that's all.

Edit: While I may be ranting at a bunch of bloggers in general, I have to make a couple exceptions:

1) I don't mind when little kids have poorly designed sites. I don't hold immaturity against 12 year olds, ok? I'm not a retard. My brother's blog isn't exactly the best designed blog in the world, but I don't hold it against him.

2) I have double standards. I admit it. Some people I give the benefit of the doubt, just because they are cool by default. Examples of this are people I know in real life, or people who post lots of scantily clad pictures of themselves all over, or people who link me, because they are obviously cool. I know, I'm a hypocrite. I've never denied being a hypocrite. I think it's human nature.