Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Yeah, So the Cod are Screwed

Seeing as to how it's really late, I'm putting up a paper I turned in for a science class last year. My teaching assistant read it, gave me 0, and said I wasn't 'respecting the class'; until I gave him the real paper, that is. Not that this one isn't serious academic material; somemore got QUOTES, ok! This one was funnier, though:

Everyone knows that the numbers of cod are on the decline. This really sucks; especially if you’re thinking in terms of the long run. Less cod means less food, and less food means we might have to start eating tv celebrities, because hey, everybody’s got to eat, and those tv celebrities don’t really do much anyway. So I guess everyone should be concerned with these dwindling cod numbers. Especially tv celebrities. Oh, and maybe the cod too. And environmentalists, maybe. But then, environmentalists tend to worry about everything, so you don’t really need to care what they think. I mean, if they weren’t fussing about the cod, they’d be fussing about the dolphins. Or the whales. And everybody knows that whales eat cod, so obviously those environmentalists don’t know what the hell they’re doing.

Seriously, though, cod are mighty useful. For one, cod are pretty tasty. According to Fatte, cod are probably the tastiest fish around (2001). While they might not be the tastiest fish per se, everyone probably agrees that the cod is a mighty tasty fish. Except maybe vegetarians. But then again, those guys don’t even eat meat, so who cares what they think? I mean, seriously, dude. Yeah, so what the numbers mean is that if we keep on fishing for cod, eventually they’ll all die and we’ll have no more cod, and while we could still eat tv celebrities, they aren’t quite as tasty, so that would suck. I mean, when you’re sitting down for dinner and all, and your mom comes out and says, ‘hey guys, we’re having cod for dinner’ most people go, like, ‘woah, that’s pretty cool.’ However, if your mom came out and said ‘hey guys, all the cod are dead and stuff, so we’re just going to have to eat TV’s Robert Newman,’ then most people would be all, like, ‘No way! He’s so bad for my diet!’ So yeah, that would really suck.

Furthermore, cod have all sorts of interesting uses. It’s a well known fact that the term ‘codpiece’ refers to one’s genitalia because of the hallowed practice of putting one’s piece into a cod. The cod has, in fact, been revered as pretty damn sexy, if not sacred, by our founding fathers for generations and generations (Kinkki, 1799). Clearly, something must be done to protect this fish, up to and including the invasion of minor countries, because hey, what else is America going to do if it doesn’t bust out its troops? Nuclear weapons may be necessary as well, but hey, shit happens, and when the cod are at stake, no price is too high.

Clearly, however, nuclear warfare might not be the best way to save the cod. This is because the cod might die as well, due to being accidentally bombed in the process. This would suck, because then we’d be killing the very cod we sought out to protect in the first place. The repercussions on our collective credibility would be irreparable. I mean, in the future, when we’re all, like, making contact with aliens and all, all the aliens would know that we were the jackasses who bombed the shit out of the cod when we were trying to save them. And then when all the aliens got together for inter-planetary sports meets or cool alien gatherings like that, they’d laugh at us and put up signs like ‘no dumbasses who kill the fish they’re trying to protect allowed,’ but everyone in the galaxy would know they were actually referring to us, just in a really sneaky, clever, alien way. Really clever dudes agree that, in the event of alien contact, it’s important to have galactic cred (Johnson, 2001). That’s why we have to think of a really cunning plan to save all the cod, so that when the aliens come knocking, we can say, ‘hey guys, not only do we eat cod, we also managed to SAVE THEM FROM CERTAIN DOOM,’ then all the aliens would be all like, ‘whoa, you guys are really pretty cool,’ then the human race collectively would have enough galactic street cred to hit on all those sexy, sexy alien ladies, which would be totally sweet.

So, if nuclear warfare isn’t really an option, what exactly will we do to save the cod? The problem with cod is that eating them kills them. I mean, maybe with all these advances in technology and stuff like that, it might be possible to one day eat a cod without killing it, but all that sort of hi-tech manipulation is way in the future, so it’ll be pretty hard to accomplish. Pretty hard, that is, unless we pour loads and loads of money into the ever-growing field of molecular biology. It is possible that, given enough money, molecular biologists will eventually be able to make really crazy nifty gadgets, like de-juicers. I mean, right now, we have these juicers, right? So you put fruits or vegetables or, I don’t know, fingers in them, and out comes fruit juice or vegetable juice or, err, blood and stuff. But one day, molecular biology will be so advanced that they’ll have de-juicers, so you can put in grape juice or apple juice or blood and out will come grapes, apples, or chickens. Yeah, so once they get to that stage, they’ll probably be able to put all the cod we’ve eaten into these big machines, and out will come, like, real live cod and stuff. Problem solved. However, what we all have to realize is that giving people money doesn’t always solve problems, even if they’re super smart molecular biologist dudes. This is because, given enough money, there’s always the probability that they’ll decide to screw what they’re doing, buy an island or something, then just go live on it and bring a couple hookers or something. Then we’d all be royally screwed, especially the cod, which would suck.

Another way of saving the cod would probably be to stop eating them, but then the problem is that all the humans wouldn’t have cod to eat. If this were to happen, then it would kind of defeat the purpose of the cod being there. I mean, they’d still be around for deviant sex and stuff, but unfortunately, statistics show that 9 out of 10 cods used for deviant sex end up dying (Duder, 1969). Obviously, then, they would serve no purpose. However, they’d all be alive, so that would be cool. From a cod’s point of view, anyway.

Having established a way of saving the cod, we must now consider the repercussions of such an action from a galactic point of view. If aliens were to come and make contact, saving the cod would mean we’d be able to say, ‘hey guys, look at all this biodiversity and stuff we’ve preserved,’ increasing the chances that they’d be really impressed and take us to all the cool alien clubs and stuff. However, on the flip side, they might also be all like, ‘well, do you eat those cod?’ and we’d all be like, ‘no, we were trying to save them, so we stopped that shit,’ then they’d all be like, ‘daym! Who wears the pants on this planet?’ Then instead of inviting us to all the hot alien dance clubs, they’d just take the cod out instead, and the cod would laugh at us and say nasty things behind our backs like, ‘yeah, those stupid humans. They could have eaten us when they had the chance but they just blew it because they’re a bunch of pussies.’ Can you smell a total loss of galactic street cred? I sure can. On the other hand, if we ate all the cod and stuff, and the aliens came by, we’d all be like, ‘hey, let’s go party’ and they’d be all like, ‘wait a second, where are all the cod?’ and we’d be all like ‘what cod?’ and they’d be all like, ‘what the heck, it doesn’t matter anyway, who gives a damn about cod.’ Then we’d all be able to party and stuff. We just wouldn’t be able to eat cod and all, but that’s cool, because there are still tv celebrities. I mean, some of the aliens might be all grossed out and say, ‘woah, you people eat people?’ but we’d just be all like, ‘hey, screw those guys,’ and the aliens would be all like, ‘yeah, you’re right. Let’s go party.’ Then everything would be chill on the planet earth, which would be mad sweet.

The question remains, then ? what do we do with all these cod? Obviously, we just keep on eating them. However, seeing as to the fact that they’re going extinct, we’d better eat them faster, just so we can eat as much good stuff as we possibly can before it runs out. I mean, just look at the superbowl and stuff. Everyone knows that it’s going to sell out, so you camp outside the ticket office and stuff so you can get your ticket before all those other suckers. Clearly, in the cod, we have a compelling parallel. By eating all the cod before those other suckers, you clearly have a leg up on the competition (i.e. all those other suckers). Therefore, get out your knives and start eating, because when nothing’s left except tv celebrities, at least you’ll be able to say ‘hey man, I ate me a lot of cod.’

I know, it was long, but hey, I liked it.

Today's Blog Babe: Mantouu's Xanga. I think this one was recommended by Gabrielle.


Blogger MaKan GuRu spewed forth...

i tried something like this before, and got a 0 too, then I resubmitted the REAL paper. Man i miss studying in the US, theymake it soooooo easy to fuck around.

27/4/05 02:20  
Blogger Wongcheok spewed forth...

it sounds like.. a singaporean who suddenly said 'hey! we should do something about the state of the planet or something' and thus sets off on a crazy, informative and really long quest... only to realise that kiasu singaporeans will ultimately be kiasu singaporeans. i dont eat other people eat.. better eat first later then say la. teo bor?

27/4/05 02:28  
Blogger sassyjan spewed forth...

WoAh~ this cod ting is too heavy for my bimbish mind.

27/4/05 03:51  
Blogger Gabrielle spewed forth...

wah why my name link back to mantouu??

i love to eat fish though. esp salmon whahha... but I dun really want them to become extinct. or at least wait till I die before all fishes get killed.

27/4/05 04:45  
Anonymous Raelene spewed forth...

I propose that if/when cod die out, we embrace tv celebrities as the New Cod in all its aspects, like being caught in nets, forced to live in large bodies of water, procreating in public, etc.

And hey! We would never have to worry about cod being extinct ever again, there being, you know, an inexhaustible supply of tv celebrities (TV Weekly, 2004).

Wouldn't that bit of ingenuity really rack up some galactic cred?

27/4/05 05:15  
Blogger suspiciousbastard spewed forth...

Errrr...were you drunk when you typed this? But it's a great piece of work, nonetheless.

27/4/05 05:32  
Blogger Adrian spewed forth...

Man, you are fucking psycho! Kickass!

27/4/05 05:43  
Anonymous Jol spewed forth...

Was this inspired by Jamin?

I think it's not as good as your Chinese essays, but still quite funny lah.

27/4/05 16:15  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

i always thought bigfuck should get a cod piece, and now bigfuck has one.

27/4/05 16:26  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

makanguru: I spend almost all my time fucking around. It's quite horrible.

wongcheok: errr...something like that lar.

jan: where got heavy? aiyah, my bad lah. next time, more pictures.

gabrielle: paiseh. i fix it.

raelene: Indeed. galactic street cred, here we come!

sb: people always ask that. just to clarify, i was absolutely stone sober. go figure.

AQ: fanks

jol: i should go look for my chinese essays. incidentally, jamin now eats cod.

anon: haha, err... i suppose i do.

27/4/05 19:39  
Blogger airhole spewed forth...

fantastic... I wish I had guts to hand in a paper like that... in the spore...

its good.. u should be a write.. do the Doug A is Dead edition

27/4/05 19:49  
Blogger LHM spewed forth...

mmmm cod with velveeta

28/4/05 00:07  
Blogger Hai~Ren spewed forth...

I'm the sort who does get very concerned about the environment and stuff, so the decline of cod and other big tasty fish is something I get worried about.

But from another perspective, it is funny. Though of course, not at all appropriate for a science class. =P

28/4/05 00:46  
Blogger Shortphat K spewed forth...

recommendation for the day...HOT!!!

28/4/05 03:18  
Blogger saMmi spewed forth...

why isit my tags never get thru! hmphs. just wanted to say ur fking pyscho but cool. =)

28/4/05 04:18  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

airhole: haha...i write my own version, lah...except won't be so funny.

lhm: velveeta? Use real cheese, lah, better.

hai~ren: hahaha...who say? i love submitting crap for science classes! yay!

shortphat: Wah, you so many lecommendation ah? Good work leh.

sammi: haha...i'm fucking psycho? I suppose, as long as I'm cool, I don't care.

28/4/05 06:59  
Blogger MaKan GuRu spewed forth...

Actually, after rereading this, I have decided to eat even more cod, because cod is like the best fish in the world (next to tuna) and if they are going extint, I wanna eat as much of them as possible before I can't anymore.

28/4/05 09:46  
Blogger Hai~Ren spewed forth...

makan guru: Immediate short-term benefits, eh? Can't blame you for that. Seems to be a very common trait in people nowadays. Live for the here and now, screw the future. Sigh...

28/4/05 11:54  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

makanguru: aiyah, my brother wouldn't let me eat cod for a damn long time, because he wanted to save them, but now even he also don't care already.

hai~ren: the world needs more people like you, so people like me can take advantage. sorry, i'm evil.

28/4/05 17:06  
Anonymous Jamin spewed forth...

eh... not that I don't care, but I think that given that the real reason I didn't want to eat cod now was so I could eat cod later, possible conservationist sentiment notwithstanding, I want to eat cod now because I'm probably not going to eat cod later.

cod 0, man -1!
PS I don't think this is the best possible solution, but it probably already is too late to do anything else, so given that constraint the theory of the second best applies...

28/4/05 18:05  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

eh bro, you are super cheem leh.

want to contribute entry or not? i SURE post your one!

28/4/05 23:40  
Blogger superlong spewed forth...

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30/4/06 08:19  

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