Thursday, April 21, 2005

Who Says I'm Vulgar?

Oh blogger ... first it refused to publish this post, then it finally published the same thing a whopping FIVE times! What rubbish, right? I know, I know.

In response to yesterday's fuck-filled entry, Ci'en suggested I install a 'fuck' counter to see how often I use this blog's eponymous epithet. Actually, to be honest, I've thought of the same question myself. You see, I don't really think of myself as a vulgar person. Sometimes, I'm sitting around, and I just have to swear at something. Say, for example, my beer is warm. Fucking shit, beer should never be warm, right? Say, for example, my fucking computer hangs. Fucking hell computer, you shouldn't fucking hang! Say, for example, I am going to the toilet and slip and fall into the toilet bowl. In such a situation, even a monk who has embraced restraint would say something like, 'fu..nny toilet, forgive me father I have sinned and almost said a bad word'.

So...anyway, I counted the number of fucks (before this entry), and I found that, in 38 entries, I have used fuck a grand total of 200 times. Damn nice number, right? I think so too. I couldn't believe it was such a nice round number, so I counted it twice. Lo and behold - 200! I know, it's totally amazing, right? Just so you know, every post technically has one fuck, since every post ends with 'the big fuck said so'; I don't count those. Not my fucking fault that my website has a vulgar name, right? So what if I named it? I was forced by circumstance, ok! What circumstance, you might ask? Obviously, I was forced to name my blog such a startling and vulgar name by the fact that all the other good names were taken. As for all the rest of the lame-ass names link 'pinkponyblog' or 'cutekittenswithprettywhiskers', yeah, well, they're not in character for me, mainly because I'm not a giggling buffoon. Also, the sidebar doesn't count - it's always there. Just in case you're interested, there are 10 occurences of the word fuck in the sidebar. Anyway, the bulk of the 'fucks' come from 4 entries:

1) In first place, we have the post where I tell everyone to shut the fuck up. Yes, I know, there are several of these. Shut the fuck up.

2) The Blogging Tipsy post - 34 fucks. Cannot help it - I was drunk! Ok, not drunk, but at least tipsy. I can swear when I'm tipsy, right? Damn fucking right, I can! I can swear when I'm not tipsy too! I love freedom! Yeah! Freedom fucking rules!

3) My Awesome Pictures post - 21 fucks. Of course, this is cheating, because at one point, I say fuck 10 times in a row, for no reason. So I guess I only really mean it 11 times.

4) My ultra super quiz thing; I think this one had a lot of fucks because of the fact that I had to put my url in the hyperlinks (yes, I count those fucks too).

In all the rest of my posts, though, I actually use 'fuck' damn sparingly! I have FIFTEEN posts with NO fucks, and FIVE posts with only ONE fuck. See? MORE THAN HALF of my posts are actually not that vulgar, ok! I can write civilized when I want to! I mean, while I find myself compelled to swear at certain things, I don't actually have Tourette's, ok? I can hang around polite company without telling the annoying moron (you know, the one who spends the whole night giggling at stupid jokes) what a giggling fuckhead he is. I'm THAT civilized.

I mean, let's look at averages. Based on averages, I use fuck approximately 5.26 times per post (though this will probably go up after this post). Come on, people, I figure most people think 'fuck' more often that that, right? What do you think when someone cuts you off in a car? If you find yourself substituting those fucks for 'frick' or 'fish' or something retarded like that, well, err, good for you. I hope your butt-plug doesn't make you explode. I mean, I don't understand - have you been in those situations where fuck is implied, and everyone knows you mean to say fuck, but nobody actually says it?

The four Fs are ... fighting, fleeing, feeding and having sex.

Cue infantile giggling.

I don't understand why this should even be funny any more. It's not funny when you 'almost said a bad word'; are we supposed to cup our hands to our mouths and say, 'oh dear, what an almost naughty man!'

Oh, some days I wish we'd all stop being such retards and grow the fuck up.

By the way, reviewing my posts, I actually find that I really like my fuck fests. I think I write a lot better when I swear.

Ok, back to the daily inconsequentials:

1) For all you non-Singaporeans, here are some great Singapore English references. I'll probably put these in my sidebar when I can be bothered to:
- The wikipedia entry on Singlish
- The Coxford Singlish Dictionary (fucking famous, ok, this one!)
- Anthea Gupta's guide to Singapore Colloquial English

2) Mr QH wants to be referred to as Mr. Q from now on. I originally wanted to refer to him as Mr. Q, but he wanted QH, and now changed his mind again. Ok lah, Mr. Q, I hope you're happy.

3) Sandra is not only a chiobu, she is also quite clever, and also has an uncanny knack for chatting on msn in a fashion that doesn't annoy me. This is rare. I am mainly saying this because I am supposed to thank her for the traffic she brings me, or something. Damn it, from now on I will stop taking requests, unless I fucking feel like it.

4) WHY HAVE MY SUBSCRIPTIONS DROPPED AGAIN? Fuck man, yesterday they were at 9 (on the feedburner feed) and today they are a measly FIVE! Did I scare everyone away? Fuck! Yes, I know, I'm an attention whore, but, as I've said before, at least I admit all this shit, right? Honesty is the best policy, especially since that means I can cuss at people who unsubscribe. You fuckheads! You're missing out! The bloglines atom feed people, however, are pretty consistent. Thanks, you guys, you guys rock.

5) No, I haven't forgotten about the blog babe. Here you go:

Today's Blog Babe: Rei hime; you might have to go through lots of pictures of food to find pictures of her, but man, I love pictures of food. Food and hot babes? What more could you ask for? Also, she's Japanese, and my fetish for all things Japanese is well-documented.


Blogger sunflowr spewed forth...

gosh, i like your honesty. not that i like the word fuck so much, but you make it sound smooth. so how the fish did you do that?

21/4/05 12:43  
Blogger Gabrielle spewed forth...

wah! that jap girl is like one of those girls who love cats A LOT!! sooo kawaii!

21/4/05 13:10  
Blogger Shion spewed forth...

If you ever stop using the fuck word, that's when I stop reading your blog.

So keep the fucking fuck words and good shit coming !

Two gunz up !

21/4/05 19:49  
Blogger Shortphat K spewed forth...

Eh J, you can get one of those "word count" tracker and set the "word to track" to "fuck" and put the counter on ur sidebar lah. Count manually fucking shack loh!

21/4/05 20:24  
Anonymous christina spewed forth...

lol. It's ur fuck posts I remember the most.

21/4/05 23:35  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

sunflowr: My only reply is, with lots of practice. Believe me, I get LOTS of practice.

gabrielle: yah, she very kawaiii hor? sansei shimasu!

shion: don't worry, I won't stop fucking around. In the words of MasaManiA, FUCK YOU! FUCK ME! LET'S FUCK! (no homo)

shortphat: wah, you so tech savvy ah? maybe i go and find ... give me url, leh, boss!

christina: sweet.

22/4/05 00:04  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

wh she is so cute.. and the food she cooked look REALLY REALLY REALLY Good.. Omg. what a perfect wife

22/4/05 01:51  
Anonymous Jamin spewed forth...

eh hallo here's my token entry - you need a higher res bunny rabbit pic I think ; ) see you in June (or whenever) and reply to MSN already, man.

22/4/05 08:21  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...


jamin: me a higher res camera, lah! And yeah, I wasn't at home (meaning I was, but I was sleeping). Sorry.

22/4/05 18:39  
Blogger Adrian spewed forth...

" . . . Fuck critics, fuck your reviews
Even if you like me, fuck you
Fuck your mama, fuck your mum's mama
Fuck the Beastie Boys and the Dalai Lama . . ."

"Fuck The World", by ICP (I think).


22/4/05 23:05  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...


23/4/05 04:28  
Anonymous Sergeant Krap spewed forth...

you gotta like a girl who loves her food this much!

not only does the food look bloody delicious, but she does too! and some great photography to top it all off... a brilliant little concept blog

as for you... you're the most amusing little bunny rabbit i've ever seen

23/4/05 08:13  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

I am not a little bunny rabbit. i am awesome.

And yes, the food is awesome. Awesome.

24/4/05 05:57  
Anonymous christina spewed forth...

wah, who's this other christina? hey....
anywayz, fuck yeah, you wouldn't be fucking awesome if you didn't say fuck all the time.
and hooray for the dictionary :)
now i can learn singlish, and possibly understand what the fuck you and gary are talking about.

24/4/05 23:12  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

yah, it seems that a lot of 'christinas' leave messages on my board. this is really confusing to me, but at least when you make references to gary, i know which one you are.

25/4/05 18:14  
Anonymous nice ass picture spewed forth...

I was out searching for nice ass picture and ended up here. Not exactly what I wanted about, but had some good links. So thanks much and off I go.

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