Suck My Lightsaber, Bitches; Episode 3 Blows.

I know, I was supposed to be working. I am fucking irresponsible. On the other hand, though, my advisor is away till monday, so I now have the whole weekend to procrastinate write this mofo. BEFORE that, however, I obviously had to go and watch episode 3. I'll try my best to keep spoilers out of it, but if you want to know absolutely nothing, don't read this post.

First, I'll say this much - it's ok, lah. The effects are pretty cool from time to time, and, well, whatever. It's not that horrible a movie. Unfortunately, Natalie Portman looks even less chio in this one, Hayden Jerkoffsen is even more fucking annoying, and they're still trying to make Yoda look like a badass. I know he's a super powerful Jedi master, but they have to understand, two-feet muppets are NEVER badass. Ok, maybe there's, like, ONE scene where he's awesome, for like two seconds. But after that, he just made me giggle.

Also, the bad guys are not cool. I'm sure most of you know the general gist of the plot, right - young skywalker obviously becomes Vader, and if you don't know going into it that Palpatine is a bad guy, you obviously don't know enough Star Wars to justify your caring that these are spoilers. You know, everyone likes Darth Vader. He's a badass. He has a badass costume, even if it does occasionally make him look like a walking portapotty. So the question is, why is he such a fucking tool in the movie? You watch the movie and tell me he's not a tool. It's like, the dark lord of the Sith pulls all the oldest tricks in the book, and Mr. Strong-in-the-force is the biggest shit-for-brains in the galaxy. Apparently, being strong in the force makes you a fucking retard.

Evidence for this:

1) The Jedi council is a bunch of pig headed numbnuts (yes, even Mr. Mace Windu). you'd expect Jedi masters to be wise, and perhaps a little flexible, but they seriously spend the movie acting like five year olds with lightsabers. The ones who aren't rash, impulsive dumbasses are the most naive poopyheads. If their naivety was a spherical object, it would make the deathstar look like an Ewok's testicles. Obi-Wan is kind of cool, but he's still a credulous bastard.

2) The emperor can't come up with any better way of manipulating an impressionable young kid than through the use of the most basic, transparent, test-book style emotional blackmail. His acting skills suck, too, 'oooh, look at meeee, I'm a weak old man, who coincidentally looks like evil incarnate...saaaave me!' Considering the fucking kid falls for it, though, I suppose he's justified. Whatever.

3) Anakin Skywalker, allegedly the best jedi in the galaxy, is also the biggest dumbass this side of Coruscant. I still can't get over what a fucking douchebag this kid is.

4) The coolest character in the Star Wars universe is still Han Solo, and he ain't no jedi. Thank goodness, because then he'd be a fucking tightass. You don't need a lightsaber to be cool. Remember the Temple of Doom, where he shot that guy who had a sword? I know, that's a different series, but man, it was a cool movie. Harrison Ford is a badass.

5) Dark Lords come up with shitty names for themselves. Darth Sidious? Gee, who would you trust if it came down to it? A guy with a normal name, or a guy called Darth SIDIOUS? Does this not sound evil to you? Way to be subtle, dipshit. Kiss my ass. The best name, though, is Count DOOKU. Who the fuck calls himself Count DOOKU? That must be the most toot name in the galaxy. Fucking toot.

6) Yoda's grammar, suck it does. Talk normal can he not? Suck a dick, will he! You know, I wouldn't really give a shit about Yoda's grammar if he wasn't all zen and shit. He was pretty funny in the other episodes, which made him cool. You can't talk like your grade school teacher didn't teach you English, and then expect to have deep, cheem, meaning-of-life type lines. That's just retarded. Bah.

Finally, I figure that all 3 of the first trilogy have been missing the Han Solo character. Honestly, most of the characters in the old trilogy were kind of douche-y. Boba Fett is cool, I suppose, and so is, err, Darth Vader, I guess, but man, the guy you'd be cheering for was obviously the young Harrison Ford; he made the fucking movies. While Ewan MacGregor makes a real cool Obi-Wan, it doesn't make up for the fact that there isn't some wise-cracking graduate from the greatest dens of scum and villany in the universe who eventually turns good and carries the whole show. This is a damn shame, because now you have a bunch of tightasses posturing for an hour and a half, and, to be quite frank, that's downright shitty.

Then again, considering the quality of the lines, perhaps it's better they didn't have a character like that. The repartee between Anakin and Padme makes me want to bust out my own set of Jedi skills. First, I would force vomit all over them, then I would bust out force throw popcorn. Finally, if I hadn't paid good money to see the show, I would force walk out of the theater, because they are really fucking annoying. See my impressive jedi skills, and feel the force, motherfucker.

All in all, the effects are kind of good, and the fact that I was laughing at the bad lines made the movie kind of a fun, campy experience, but man, if you're looking to come out of the movie thinking, 'wow, what an awesome movie' you will be disappointed, because the franchise has definitely turned to the dark side, and not in a good way. Go watch Sin City instead, because man, that movie is fucking badass.

That is all.

Oh, if you want more plot-specific reasons why this movie sucked, go read Ray's review on Squarebrain. I think he got it pretty much right (and he's so considerate, too, changing the colour to protect you all from reading spoilers).

Ok, that's really all.

Today's Blog Babe: My Roommate; she put pictures up, and you know what? She's a chiobu.