Thursday, May 19, 2005

Suck My Lightsaber, Bitches; Episode 3 Blows.

I know, I was supposed to be working. I am fucking irresponsible. On the other hand, though, my advisor is away till monday, so I now have the whole weekend to procrastinate write this mofo. BEFORE that, however, I obviously had to go and watch episode 3. I'll try my best to keep spoilers out of it, but if you want to know absolutely nothing, don't read this post.

First, I'll say this much - it's ok, lah. The effects are pretty cool from time to time, and, well, whatever. It's not that horrible a movie. Unfortunately, Natalie Portman looks even less chio in this one, Hayden Jerkoffsen is even more fucking annoying, and they're still trying to make Yoda look like a badass. I know he's a super powerful Jedi master, but they have to understand, two-feet muppets are NEVER badass. Ok, maybe there's, like, ONE scene where he's awesome, for like two seconds. But after that, he just made me giggle.

Also, the bad guys are not cool. I'm sure most of you know the general gist of the plot, right - young skywalker obviously becomes Vader, and if you don't know going into it that Palpatine is a bad guy, you obviously don't know enough Star Wars to justify your caring that these are spoilers. You know, everyone likes Darth Vader. He's a badass. He has a badass costume, even if it does occasionally make him look like a walking portapotty. So the question is, why is he such a fucking tool in the movie? You watch the movie and tell me he's not a tool. It's like, the dark lord of the Sith pulls all the oldest tricks in the book, and Mr. Strong-in-the-force is the biggest shit-for-brains in the galaxy. Apparently, being strong in the force makes you a fucking retard.

Evidence for this:

1) The Jedi council is a bunch of pig headed numbnuts (yes, even Mr. Mace Windu). you'd expect Jedi masters to be wise, and perhaps a little flexible, but they seriously spend the movie acting like five year olds with lightsabers. The ones who aren't rash, impulsive dumbasses are the most naive poopyheads. If their naivety was a spherical object, it would make the deathstar look like an Ewok's testicles. Obi-Wan is kind of cool, but he's still a credulous bastard.

2) The emperor can't come up with any better way of manipulating an impressionable young kid than through the use of the most basic, transparent, test-book style emotional blackmail. His acting skills suck, too, 'oooh, look at meeee, I'm a weak old man, who coincidentally looks like evil incarnate...saaaave me!' Considering the fucking kid falls for it, though, I suppose he's justified. Whatever.

3) Anakin Skywalker, allegedly the best jedi in the galaxy, is also the biggest dumbass this side of Coruscant. I still can't get over what a fucking douchebag this kid is.

4) The coolest character in the Star Wars universe is still Han Solo, and he ain't no jedi. Thank goodness, because then he'd be a fucking tightass. You don't need a lightsaber to be cool. Remember the Temple of Doom, where he shot that guy who had a sword? I know, that's a different series, but man, it was a cool movie. Harrison Ford is a badass.

5) Dark Lords come up with shitty names for themselves. Darth Sidious? Gee, who would you trust if it came down to it? A guy with a normal name, or a guy called Darth SIDIOUS? Does this not sound evil to you? Way to be subtle, dipshit. Kiss my ass. The best name, though, is Count DOOKU. Who the fuck calls himself Count DOOKU? That must be the most toot name in the galaxy. Fucking toot.

6) Yoda's grammar, suck it does. Talk normal can he not? Suck a dick, will he! You know, I wouldn't really give a shit about Yoda's grammar if he wasn't all zen and shit. He was pretty funny in the other episodes, which made him cool. You can't talk like your grade school teacher didn't teach you English, and then expect to have deep, cheem, meaning-of-life type lines. That's just retarded. Bah.

Finally, I figure that all 3 of the first trilogy have been missing the Han Solo character. Honestly, most of the characters in the old trilogy were kind of douche-y. Boba Fett is cool, I suppose, and so is, err, Darth Vader, I guess, but man, the guy you'd be cheering for was obviously the young Harrison Ford; he made the fucking movies. While Ewan MacGregor makes a real cool Obi-Wan, it doesn't make up for the fact that there isn't some wise-cracking graduate from the greatest dens of scum and villany in the universe who eventually turns good and carries the whole show. This is a damn shame, because now you have a bunch of tightasses posturing for an hour and a half, and, to be quite frank, that's downright shitty.

Then again, considering the quality of the lines, perhaps it's better they didn't have a character like that. The repartee between Anakin and Padme makes me want to bust out my own set of Jedi skills. First, I would force vomit all over them, then I would bust out force throw popcorn. Finally, if I hadn't paid good money to see the show, I would force walk out of the theater, because they are really fucking annoying. See my impressive jedi skills, and feel the force, motherfucker.

All in all, the effects are kind of good, and the fact that I was laughing at the bad lines made the movie kind of a fun, campy experience, but man, if you're looking to come out of the movie thinking, 'wow, what an awesome movie' you will be disappointed, because the franchise has definitely turned to the dark side, and not in a good way. Go watch Sin City instead, because man, that movie is fucking badass.

That is all.

Oh, if you want more plot-specific reasons why this movie sucked, go read Ray's review on Squarebrain. I think he got it pretty much right (and he's so considerate, too, changing the colour to protect you all from reading spoilers).

Ok, that's really all.

Today's Blog Babe: My Roommate; she put pictures up, and you know what? She's a chiobu.

21 Comments:

Blogger Evelyn spewed forth...

Put more ass-hair pictures leh.

20/5/05 00:53  
Anonymous Ray spewed forth...

I still can't get over the dialogue. I... still can't get over the dialogue.

Surprisingly, Yoda's antics were a high point in the film for me. When he walked into Palpatine's chambers and took out the two guards with a casual flick of the wrist... heh.

(But his dialogue after that... GAH! "Not if anything I have to do about it." If only they'd shut UP!)

20/5/05 01:13  
Blogger Ah 9 spewed forth...

Definitely Fett, Han & Vader are the coolest old sch star wars bad boys.

Luke Skywalker is a wuss.

20/5/05 01:44  
Blogger Darth Sidious spewed forth...

ah 9:
Agreed upon.


Hans Solo kicks butt.

20/5/05 01:58  
Blogger Wongcheok spewed forth...

this post is fucking awesome. i was laughing like shit; almost as much as i was laughing during the movie.

darth sidious is always laughing that throat-cancer laugh, even when he's clinging on to a railing for dear life.

windu died... well, in a really toot manner.

yoda's force push knocked palpatine over the table such that he was ass-over-the-head upside down. what an unglam emperor.

darth vader emerges in his new suit. his first question is "where is padme?"; screen pans to sidious' face. i really thought he was gonna say "oops."

20/5/05 04:47  
Blogger Adrian spewed forth...

It's even sadder considering this is the best of all the three prequels. Personally, I think Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson was the coolest character in parts I, II and III. Why the hell did they get some boyband member wannabe to star as the future Darth Vader anyway?

20/5/05 06:26  
Blogger The One spewed forth...

bash bash bash

20/5/05 20:25  
Blogger Wongcheok spewed forth...

oh yeah - did you smite the evil ba project into oblivion? heh.

21/5/05 08:59  
Anonymous wrenna spewed forth...

Spankingly good tongue-in-cheek comments about the movie, spoiled it for me though, now I'm debating over whether i should go watch it.

21/5/05 19:58  
Blogger Darth Sidious spewed forth...

adrian:
Samuel L. Jackson was robbed of al his coolness while trying to argue for his life.
Man,
"He's the traitor!"

"No He's the Traitor!"

What the hell!?

22/5/05 02:12  
Anonymous hmmm spewed forth...

Another chiobu blog:

http://monkeyeatmonkey.blogspot.com

See the May 12 entry for pics. (she's taken)

22/5/05 07:50  
Blogger Wongcheok spewed forth...

heh. sister madeleine will be happy to hear her association with the word chio.

22/5/05 11:01  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

evelyn: YOU FIRST LEH. You send me I send you. Heh.

ray: yes, that one yoda moment with the guards was my favourite yoda moment in the whole movie.

9: agreed. except, after ep 3, vader loses a lot of credibility. come on, man, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

darth sid: like i said, the movie sucked balls man. seriously. gah.

wongcheok: 1) no, still haven't finished my shit, still working. sian, i know. i'm irresponsible, what to do?
2) the whole yoda / palpatine showdown was cool, right up until yoda started to talk to palpatine. in other words, it was cool when yoda slammed the guards against the wall, then it turned to shit. seriously.

AQ: they needed to let samuel l jackson rewrite his lines, like harrison ford did in the original trilogy. you konw how han solo is getting freezed in carbonite and princess leia goes, 'i love you'? the original reply was supposed to be, 'i love you too'. Han Solo would have been totally gay if not for Harrison Ford, man.

eka: don't be so furstrated lah. relak, jangan tension.

wrenna: aiyah, wait for it to come out on dvd, then watch it incidentally lah. or go watch it for the effects. either way, whatever. it's not that hot.

hmm: yah. hmm. i'll add to my list and review later lah.

23/5/05 00:36  
Blogger Adrian spewed forth...

Well, at least they let Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson do his steely glare thing.

23/5/05 01:28  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

AQ: yeah, i guess at least there's that. it could have been worse, yeah?

23/5/05 08:09  
Blogger Maddie spewed forth...

WAH LAU EH!!! IM CHIO ARH?!

the honour is killing me. ow.

cool blog by the way Big Fuck and i linked you up ages ago hope you don't mind yea?

23/5/05 10:37  
Blogger gurlpower junkie spewed forth...

"Ok, maybe there's, like, ONE scene where he's awesome, for like two seconds. But after that, he just made me giggle."

somehow, i'm having difficulty picturing you giggling under any circumstance. ~grin~

23/5/05 22:57  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

maddie: got link meh? i never see! dun bluff. heh.

gj: you'd be surprised. i giggle quite often. ok, actually, by 'giggle' i mean snort a bit and smirk. but hey, i figure that's close enough.

24/5/05 07:11  
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