Thursday, April 28, 2005

Happy Birthday Cheng Yan Yan

Seeing as to how it's Wendy Cheng's birthday, and seeing as to how I don't have money to buy her espadrilles, or aircon, or a slow loris (you think what? I'm DAMN POOR, OK!), I have decided to dedicate this entry to the blog-queen of Singapore, Miss Cheng Yan Yan.

Recently, minishorts has been writing a whole series of fairy tales involving por-pular bloggers like Kenny Sia and Cowboy Caleb. So, I figured I'd copy her and write a fairy tale of my own. Ok, ready? Let's go!

A long time ago in a land far, far, away, there was a princess named xiaxue. Now, as the day approached for her 21st birthday, the king of the land decided it was about time for princess xiaxue to be married. Being a (relatively) enlightened despot, the king summoned princess xiaxue to ask her opinion on the matter.

"My daughter, it is time for you to be married," the king said.
"Siao! So fast? I'm still young, you know!" the princess replied.
"It's your 21st birthday; you are not getting any younger!"
"Fine, fine, fine, whatever....but I want an ELF! And he better have PENIS VEINS!"

Now, unfortunately, the kingdom was at war with the elves, so this last comment made the king very angry.

"WAH BIANG!" said the king, "humans and elves are not friends, ok! Don't you remember how I was shot in the backside by an elf while you were a little baby?"

Before the princess could protest, the king locked her up in a dungeon. This was very sad, but what to do? Some times, kings are not nice people. To make matters worse, the king sent out a decree that he would marry the princess to the person who could kill the most elves. Princess xiaxue, who had always liked elves, was devastated. So unfair, hor? What to do? King is king, what! While there might have been some people who disagreed, none of them dared say anything, lest the king throw them in prison, with no trial. Or even worse, scarly he SUE their pants off!

Xiaxue was sad to be locked up. It was not fun.

Anyway, so all the daring warriors in the land went off to go find elves and kill them, because hey, what else was there to do? Even brave warriors can get bored of chowing down on stingray and shopping all day long, so off they went to fight the elves.

A couple bloody battles later, the brave warriors of the land came back. By a couple, I of course mean two, or at most three; you see, the brave warriors of the land weren't exactly all that brave, and while most of them had been in the country's army, they had spent their time telling dirty jokes and learning bad habits like how to smoke cigarettes, drink beer and fart a lot, instead of really learning how to fight. Thus, after about two or three fights (mainly involving swinging their swords around and shouting 'nahbeh' a lot), the warriors came back, tired and unhappy. Three of them, thinking that they had done a fairly good job, came to seek the princesses' hand in marriage.

After granting them an audience, the king asked the first, 'well? how many elves did you kill?'

"Your highness, I killed 3."
"ONLY THREE?" the king roared.
"Wei! Your highness! Those elves, got ARROWS leh! Kena hit already, can DIE, you know!" came the quick reply.

The king, not wanting to waste time, summoned the second warrior.

"How many elves did you get?" asked the king.
"Your highness...I killed 2," came the answer.
"ONLY TWO???" the king bellowed.
"Eh, your highness! Those elves, they run damn FAST, can? Somemore they climb trees, you know!" the warrior replied.
"Doesn't our army train you fools to run?" the king snapped.
"Your highness...all the best runners were the opposite direction"

Sensing he was not having a good day, the king summoned the third warrior.

"Well? How many did you..."

At this moment, a messenger came running in.

"YOUR HIGHNESS! BAD NEWS!" the messenger cried.
"What, what, what's happening now?" the king answered.

Before the king had time to panic, though, the whole palace shook with a resounding roar. Lo and behold, it was princess xiaxue, at the head of a rebel army!

You see, before she was locked in the tower, princess xiaxue had amassed a following of dedicated followers on her blog (what, you think this kingdom so low-tech, don't have internet is it? You are wrong! This kingdom damn hi-tech, you know!) who had learnt of her imprisonment and came to liberate her. Since they were so free, they figured they had time for a rebellion before supper as well.

Since nobody really liked the stuffy old king, the rebellion was over by about 8, just in time for dinner. When the elves came, the regime change was already over. Hurrah, xiaxue was now the queen!

Xiaxue was the Queen! Yay!

The general of the elven army requested an audience with the new ruler of the realm, queen xiaxue. While he was happy that the old king was no longer in power, he needed to make sure of the new alliance, and requested that queen xiaxue marry their prince, just to make sure everything was cool and groovy. Queen Xiaxue, having just won power, was not so ready to grant any old request.

"Is your prince cute or not?" the queen demanded, "if he's some old toot, I don't want, ok!"
"Your majesty, our prince is famous for his good looks!" the general replied.
"Sure or not?"
At that moment, the prince strode into the audience chamber, and the queen was dumbstruck, for he looked EXACTLY LIKE LEGOLAS! WAH!!!!

The pretty elf prince looked like legolas

Queen xiaxue struggled to control her excitement, feigning cynicism as she queried:

"But...does he have penis veins?"

The prince himself smirked, and paused dramatically before replying:

"My dear, ALL elves have penis veins."

And they lived happily ever after.

Today's Blog Babe: What, xiaxue not good enough for you all ah? Go say happy birthday to her lah!


Blogger suspiciousbastard spewed forth...

Great story. Not bad, the most I would do would be to wish her happy birthday. And I don't even do that. Maybe she'll link you after this.

28/4/05 07:00  
Blogger Hai~Ren spewed forth...


Good stuff.

28/4/05 07:33  
Blogger Jiameei spewed forth...

"Don't you remember how I was shot in the backside by an elf while you were a little baby"

Nice. All the hate for God forbid, Orlando Bloom just because you had a little butt accident?!

OMG Orlando Bloom is God.

Now, that was the bimbo side of me.

28/4/05 08:21  
Blogger suspiciousbastard spewed forth...

Hmmmm...Jiameei looks like the Hongkong actress from the vampire series. People, I think we have the next blog babe of the day.

28/4/05 09:05  
Blogger MaKan GuRu spewed forth...

FUCKING BRILLIANT! Eh got to give the bar credit leh! Afterall, it was our combined efforts that helped you come out with this gem of an idea. should have done more the the photos though, so who is the next victim???

I await the next installment,,,,,,,

28/4/05 09:43  
Blogger Evelyn spewed forth...

I like this part,"Just in time for dinner".


28/4/05 12:31  
Blogger Wongcheok spewed forth...

penis veins. i bet all hot blooded xiaxue fans hv been checking and/or trying to grow a set of penis veins ever since that post. hahahaha. happily ever after indeed.

28/4/05 13:04  
Blogger Adrian spewed forth...

Wow. You've nicely and accurately captured xx-ism I think.

28/4/05 18:43  
Blogger starstar spewed forth...

nice, nice! :) xx-ism indeed.

28/4/05 19:09  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

Lol. Funny how the king got screwed over in the end. ANd what's not to love about smirking elves? ;)

28/4/05 22:46  
Anonymous Sergeant Krap spewed forth...

I laughed, I cried and I wondered where the heck the story was going...

but mostly, I was laughing... and crying some more..

In any case, it's a nice gesture to write all that.

28/4/05 22:47  
Blogger Mail Order Bride spewed forth...

This was a well written post!

28/4/05 22:53  
Blogger Gabrielle spewed forth...

haha best fairy tale i've heard ever.

28/4/05 23:52  
Anonymous cowboy caleb spewed forth...

Hahahahh damn R-rated but funny as hell.

29/4/05 03:45  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

xiaxue's blog is rated as Sex/Acts under Norton's parent security thing. funny.

29/4/05 04:01  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

you should have done a cross between legolas and tay ping hui..

do you have penis veins? being a ?-foot giant with penis all the way to ?land..

29/4/05 04:37  
Blogger Jiameei spewed forth...

Vampire series?


I really don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.

Haha thanks anyway.

29/4/05 09:16  
Blogger Jaslyn spewed forth...

Very very well written! I enjoyed it alot. Serious..I was laughing all the way. Great work!

29/4/05 10:08  
Blogger Daniel spewed forth...

good way to get attention from Xiaxue. ;)

29/4/05 12:45  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

sb: haha...errr...I doubt I will ever get linked by xiaxue, just never happens. But yeah, I figured it would be fun. And yes, I was thinking of linking jiameei for a while, except she looks quite young, lah. But then, I don't really care.

Hai~ren: fanks, man!

Jiameei: Heh heh...I linked you liao! Hurrah! And I think it was a compliment, lah, on sb's part.

makanguru: fanks, always so flattering

evelyn: dinner time is happy time.

wongcheok: haha...not the hypothetical situation that I did not have penis veins, I would not be eager for them. More veins only means more ways for enemies to kill you, ok!

aq: didn't she term it 'wendism'? Ok, you can tell I'm a hopeless groupie.

anon: the smirks. I dislike smirks. Unless they're on me. ONLY I AM ALLOWED TO SMIRK! NAHBEH!

sgt krap: so did you laugh more or cry more? reminds me of a talking cock review of i not stupid.

Lao po: Fanks, hon.

gabrielle: haha...must read minishorts lah!

cowboy caleb: fanks! i try my best.

anon2: because so juicy what, her blog...

anon3: don't be cheeky. if you want to know whether i have penis veins, please first send picture to my email, then can ask in private. unless you're a guy, in which case, i have this to say:


jaslyn: thanks, thanks!

daniel: siao! you think what? write for fun only lah!

29/4/05 13:36  
Blogger Xiaxue spewed forth...

XIE XIEEEEE!!! So sweet ah you! Give you a link. =)

30/4/05 00:38  
Blogger Daniel spewed forth...

seeeeee? :p

30/4/05 04:49  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

Wendy: are the bestest! I'm glad you liked it, miss.

daniel: yalahyalahyalah.

30/4/05 15:14  
Anonymous Anonymous spewed forth...

This is very interesting site... »

16/3/07 19:56  

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