Friday, April 29, 2005

Sucky Poems Suck My Ass

So, yeah, I read a lot of blogs, and occasionally, because I've read one too many sappy poem that makes me want to vomit blood (ok, some are not bad, but most suck so hard they make the hairs on my anus stand), I decide to mock all these fuckers by producing my version of their shitty poems:

First, poems have to have a shitty name, that doesn't tell me jack shit about why the fuck I should be reading them. Something like 'pretty flowers' or 'birdies with wings' or some shit like that. Fuck, man, you know what I do with birdies with wings? I fucking eat them. Here is a picture of my favourite type of bird with wings:



Can you say yummy chicken? If you're a blog poet, probably not, because you're too busy being pretentious to say anything with less than three syllables in it. Hey, asshole, take your fingers out of your ass and write normally, jerkface! Gah! I fucking hate shit poems!

Next, the shittiest poems always, always, always rhyme. Now, I used to write a shitload of poems myself. Reading all my old poems, I've come up with a simple formula:



For those of you who don't understand, that simply means that, in amateur poetry, the degree of rhyme will be proportional to the degree of suck.

Compare the following two poems:

My love for you is like the sea
And we can run to where we're free
And I will give you pretty lillies
And feed you many ikan billis

Compare with:

Fuck you
Poems are gay
So are you, faggot.

I like the second one better.

You know what the problem is? The problem is, that too few people are willing to tell their friends, 'hey, you know what? Your poems suck ass,' Instead, they will be all impressed at their friends' 'sensitive sides' and shit like that, and be like, 'oooh, you wrote a poem you're so sensitive' or some shit like that. I used to force my friends to listen to the shit that I wrote, and I know, inside, they were thinking, 'man, I wish this fuckhead would stop reading me his suckass poetry' but on the outside they were like, 'yeah, that's pretty good.'

Bullshit.

Fortunately, I eventually got pretty good at writing poetry. You can see the evidence here and here. Notice the lack of a) rhyme scheme and b) stupid wanky feelings bullshit. Especially angst. I fucking hate angst. If you're all tortured and shit like that, you might as well convert your feelings to rage, because rage makes for much better writing. Again, a comparison:

The sands of the hourglass
Fly by fleetingly
As I am trapped in my prison
Of sand, and I am
Sad

Compare this with:

That fuckhead!
I will rip off his head
Open his mouth on the ground
And piss in his lifeless mouth, motherfucker!


Second poem wins, with extra points for judicious use of the word 'motherfucker'.

In conclusion, let me write a poem mocking all the shitty poems I see on shit blogs:


Sunshine and Love

I went for a walk and I saw the sun
And so I thought I'd start to run
And write poems too, oh look, I'm a pretentious fucking faggot
What the fuck rhymes with that oh...err...maggot!
And baggot! What the fuck is a baggot? I don't know
Oh woe! Oh woe!
I love the sun because it is warm
And I have shit for brains
Don't you like my poetry
And this sensitive side of me?

Please love me, darling, you know you
The girl in lecture, yes she who
Is always staring at that guy
With nice hair; hey, you know I
Write poems!
I'm clever!
And not a pretentious fucking faggot?
Oh wait, fuck, I am.

Don't you see that we
Were meant to be?
I love the sun and I love you
Even though I don't know anything about love
Because I'm a pretentious piece of shit.

Yes, I know, I'm fucking awesome.

Ok, before I end, though, I have to say that, naturally, not all poems suck balls. My little brother has been writing a whole bunch of poems on his blog, and he's tolerable. As in, I don't want to puke out my insides when I read his poems. This says a lot, because it really takes very little to make me want to puke out my insides. That's how many shitty internet poems I've read. Also, my adopted son (long story) consistently churns out pretty good shit. Check out his re-wording of Hopkin's 'God's Grandeur' - see, it's not shit, even though it rhymes, and is based off another poem. Yes, I like shit like that.

Edit: a certain suzy also brought to attention another of my son's parodies which I think is fantabulous: go read!

So, to conclude, before writing poetry, please stop to analyze whether you suck. If you want to have an unbiased opinion, feel free to email me your shit, and I will give you a suck-o-meter rating. Actually, don't, because I can't be bothered to read your shit. Ask your english teacher instead. Oh, and if you have to write a poem, and don't think you're all that good, at least do us all a favour and get yourself wasted, first. Nobody wants to read angsty shit.

Today's Blog Babe: jiameei; why does she have 2 'e's in her name? I have no idea. Ask her. I hesitated in linking her for a while, because she looks really young. Then I realized that she just turned legal, and thought to myself, eh, why not?

60 Comments:

Blogger Evelyn spewed forth...

Wah really quite lolita ahz!

I am lao auntie oredis...try featuring some lao chios lah.

29/4/05 13:47  
Anonymous Ray spewed forth...

Finally linked your ass.

Commenting here because your blog babe looks ludicrously like somebody I know.

*Shudders*

29/4/05 14:56  
Blogger spatick spewed forth...

And I will give you pretty lillies
And feed you many ikan billis


Thats just simply awesome poetry u got there.

29/4/05 15:09  
Blogger the late night alumna spewed forth...

juish/josh/joshua/whatever you call your son writes some damn good shit, i always damn jealous of him. i like the poem he wrote about me the best. but he wrote a damn good parody of ts eliot: the love song of laurent blanc. on his blog, 21 april 03. you should read it, if you haven't.

29/4/05 18:03  
Blogger Gabrielle spewed forth...

Mr Poet why so blue?
Reading Poems till you puked.
So you have to blog a post,
To F**K all poets from their course.

29/4/05 19:42  
Blogger CELLE spewed forth...

luf, i'll write u a mushy poem laaaaa
hope u like it..

big fuck..

big fuck big fuck..
you said you suck..
at poetry that is..
but i tell u this..

big fuck big fuck..
u like chicken and duck..
u put them in the truck..
then cover them with puck..

puck puck i mean shit
this i know i can hit
feel my rythm and get a fit
coz they are all clit

i dunno what i am saying..
but hey thats not why i am paying..
each nite i sit down praying..
looking at my butt swaying..

so i bid u farewell..
it's all been well.
besides the goddam well..
everything else is swell..

____

CellyXXXX

29/4/05 21:14  
Blogger Adrian spewed forth...

Nabeiz, I wrote a shitty poem at work and I was thinking "hey, haven't seen any poems lately, so this entry will show my originality and creativity." Sekali after I post I discovered that everybody writing poetry. Nabeiz nabeiz nabeiz nabeiz.

29/4/05 21:38  
Blogger azzurri81 spewed forth...

So beatutiful your poems, Joel Tan
So like Rimbaud, Joel Tan
But as Encik would say
F***ing C***bye, Joel Tan

29/4/05 22:19  
Anonymous Jol spewed forth...

Hey this reminds me of the poem I wrote last December in the run up to my exams. I call it "Ode to Exams."

Ode to Exams

Fuck,
Fuck fuck fuck,
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I hope I pass you.

You stupid cunt-fuck.

29/4/05 23:14  
Blogger Jiameei spewed forth...

I shall treasure this moment for the whole of my life.

I feel so honoured.

The ONLY difference was that I had 100+ hits on my counter.

This proves two things:
1. 100 and more people visit your chun ass blog everyday.
2. People don't like leaving messages on my board. You, know, since it's too embarassing.

Haha, thanks anyway! I can still savour in my 100+ hits.

There's two 'e's because I am special. Well, that's what my mom tells me. Haha.

Hugs.

29/4/05 23:48  
Blogger Admin spewed forth...

this one, almost as fuckin funny as the mr leeky one man. fucking rocks, this entry. even the poem-things.

angst isnt always a bad thing though. angst in music = mellow sounding dashboardconfessional kina stuff. rage in music... well.. i think of mats with leather jackets,boots & mohawks screaming "allahhh jihadddd rwarrrrr!!!!" into mike.

u get the picture.

as a sidenote, someone shld really snap those hugeass mat gangs all decked in punk attire one day n post it. its ridiculous. make for a good bashing session.

30/4/05 00:20  
Blogger sarah spewed forth...

if you actually run out of blog babes, will u like, wait till u find one before you allow yourself to post? or just post whatever u wanna say and hope no one notices you forgot the whole blog babe thing? lolz.

as long as you're not referring to any of my poems. (: this post is kinda funny. but some rhyming poems are really kinda nice. depends on the cheemalogy. =D tht's pretty lame.

30/4/05 01:12  
Blogger Ah 9 spewed forth...

Fuck

Fucking Fuck Fucked
Fucken Fucking Fuckening
Fuck Fucks Fucker Fuckened
Fark Fiark Fhak Fuuk Faak
Fuckedelic Fuckshit Fucksho
Fuck Fuck Fuck
and Fuck

[APPLAUSE]

*curtsies*

30/4/05 02:26  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

evelyn: you not auntie lah...if you're an auntie, doesn't that make me an ah pek?

ray: re: the link - sweetness! I'm deeply honoured, man, seriously. As for jiameei looking like your whoever, who knows? Singapore is DAMN SMALL, you know! Scary, right? I think so too.

spatick: hahaha...fanks, man

suzie: I corrected my entry, and the poem you brought up? solid gold. especially seeing as to how i just spend ALL NIGHT playing winning eleven. Yes, that's right. All night.

gabrielle: hahaha....i like your use of fuck as a verb. 10 points. for censoring it, minus 5 points (per letter) for a total of 0 points. for effort, 30 points. therefore, overall, you pass. good poem. hurrah! extra points for not rhyming. x1.5 multiplier, for total of 45. and then, multiply this by 3 because i'm in a good mood. since my math is shit, you get 1000 points. can go publish on your blog already.

celle: hahaha...ok...your use of random ass words to rhyme makes your use of rhyme forgiveable. the fact that the whole poem is dedicated to me gives you 25 points, plus all the awesome multipliers, and length of poem, and the fact that you're a babe, aiyah...give you 1,500 points lah (sorry gabrielle, celly's poem longer, so more shiok for me). hurrah!

aq: paiseh paiseh....like i said, bro, bad timing lah.

azzurri81: wah biang...he always wait one corner first, right, encik? then after that, suddenly, FUCKING CHEEBYE! and the whole company line can hear. wah biang eh, you never see here is bigfuck.blogspot.com meh? want to say fuck, say fuck lah! nahbeh! p.s. WHO ARE YOU AH??? msn me, lah, cheebye.

jol: sweet! fucking sweet. fuckety fuck, that's fucking sweet.

jiameei: so your name is actually jiameei? fantastic. oh, and set up comment system, lah...tags are damn old fashioned, leh!

wongcheok: wah biang, i hope you're not being racist because i'm not racist, ok! some of my good friends are mat rockers, man! mat rock lives on! and actually, i kind of like punk, and dislike emo. sorry, mang.

sarah: no lah, not talking about your poems, lah....relak one corner!

ah 9: that's how everyone should write. all the fucking time. it's the revolution.

30/4/05 04:27  
Blogger Adrian spewed forth...

mat rok is power! mat rok will live forever!

30/4/05 05:57  
Blogger Jiameei spewed forth...

Yup. Pronounced Gee-ah May. Told you I'm special.

I do have a comment system. No one bothers to comment, that's all.

And yes, I'm 18 and legal.

30/4/05 06:57  
Blogger crazycat spewed forth...

i will never dare to compose any more poems....

30/4/05 23:02  
Anonymous Jamin spewed forth...

philip larkin!
(often rhymes and was quite a good poet - I've got his collected works at home)

1/5/05 16:48  
Blogger J Schnorng spewed forth...

AQ: I agree. Rock on, brudder!

jiameei: Ah well, what to do? People often don't comment - for every hundred or so people who read your blog, most often, there'll be, like, ONE dude who comments. Which is really breathtakingly strange.

crazy cat: Haha....no worries lah....just don't publish them if they suck.

jamin: yes, phillip larkin is pretty ok. but he's not an amateur.

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