A Filler Post.

I know this place has been quiet of late, but I've gotten a new domain registered and want to get it up and running before I let everyone in. Right now the new site is an ugly shade of greenish brown, and has ugly big fonts and no content, so I want to tidy up my shit before letting anyone in, if you catch my drift.

As soon as I get everything nice and sparkly though, I'll let you all know where the site is; hopefully that'll be by this weekend, but hey, I have to earn a living AND go out and get wasted from time to time, too, you know.

Thanks for bearing with me, y'all. You guys are the bestest.

Late, Late, Late!

So, for all intents and purposes, you can say that I sort of have a job for the next couple of days. As usual, I am evasive and vague about the nature of said job, because, in reality, I am a fucking bum. If someone wants to give me money to do shit, please, by all means, give me a call. As long as it's fairly good money for fairly little work, I'd be happy to oblige. What to do? I am, at heart, a bum.

Anyway, going to work every morning involves, well, the same routine that everyone else has to go through - waking up at a semi-decent hour, putting on semi-decent clothes (no more wearing shorts and singlet all day long, even though I may be a kopitiam ah-pek in training, I now have to model the latest in fish-monger fashion in my free time... KANINAHIA), maybe even combing my hair (ok, actually no need to comb, since I cleverly cut it all off...SNIP! SNIP! SNIP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!).

Today, the second day of going to work, I rolled out of bed at 10 and realized, 'fuck, I'm late as all fuck.'

The second day of work, and I'm already late as fuck.

How the hell am I ever going to make a decent living?

Eh it's Saturday You Know

So, today I was chatting with Adrian, and we were comparing our geeky, geeky pasts - the number of message boards we've chatted on, the number of stupid-ass things we've done on the internet, the way we'd meet people of irc and whatnot, and I realized, man, this internet thing, it really sucks up your time. Blogging is kind of like hanging out on irc too long, except, for once, there are actually real people reading what I write, instead of saying, 'KNN SHUT UP PLS OR I WILL KICK AND BAN."

This, however, doesn't make it any better. There's a great sense of community on the internet, but that doesn't mean that it should take over the real world. I have to keep reminding myself of this, lest I end up like my first-year roommate, who was a mysterious french mack-daddy on the sims, but didn't do quite as well at frat parties.

I figure, therefore, that it's about time I got out and about on the town. Those of you who know me should give me a call. Don't spend your weekend in front of the internet - chatting on msn isn't really socializing, you know.

Peace.

Deleters are the Lowest Form of Scum

what type of fucker could have deleted such a pretty pink page?

So now the news is all over. Wendy's blog kena hacked. Most of the blogging community has already said that this is not cool, but then, the magnitude of the un-coolness of this act is so mind-numbingly huge that I just have to say it again.

I don't care if you hate people. I don't care if you think they're assholes. I don't care if you're mortally offended by what they write; there are better ways at getting to someone than deleting their blog entries.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wrote her life into a little book, then gave it to someone she was seeing. When things didn't work out, she wanted the life that she wrote back, but he'd thrown it away, so she decided that this time, she'd write her life on something she thought would last, something she thought nobody could throw away. Then one day some fucker decided to piss all over that just because he or she didn't like this girl. She might not be the nicest of girls all the time, and she might not be the most gracious, hell, she might even from time to time be a bit of a bitch, but that doesn't warrant someone trying to desecrate something so personal.

You have to imagine what this fucker was doing. He or she, after getting the password to this account, had to click on the posts one by one, click on the delete button, and then watch each post go down the drain. Three years of writing don't go down in a single click; there must have been a wealth of malice, spite, and relentlessness going into this. Whoever you are, I hope they catch you. I hope your nehnehs fall off and your eyeballs close and your cheeks bulge and your hair all drops off and your nose sinks in and hairs grow on it so you'll look like the arseface that you are. I hope people lock you up in a cage and point at you and laugh and throw pointy things at you, you fucking scum.

As for Wendy, I know you'll bounce back, because you're cool like that.

In other news, I'm thinking of setting up a new domain instead. However, I have great difficulty:

1) Finding a good hosting solution.
2) Figuring out whether wordpress or moveable type is better for this shit
3) Installing the bloody beast.

Any tech gurus who want to help me out will get beers on me. Seriously.

Big Fuck No More

Ok, I'm retiring this blog name as of, well, today or tomorrow, and I'm currently in the process of setting up a new site. Someone at bloggers.sg told me, 'you know, I really like your site because it lets me say "fuck" without blushing.'

Unfortunately, for every day I don't change my blog title, my mother will pull my ear and not give me pocket money. Maybe if she very du lan, she will make me sleep in the longkang. I like being the big fuck, but I like being a parasite better. Anyone want to sponsor me? Yeah, that's what I thought, you cheapos. Thus, I have to make my blog URL mommy friendly. No bloody choice. URL only, hor. The content will stay the same.

You know, you faithful fans, you can always call me the big fuck. Just not in public. Or in front of my family. Or that girl I am trying to hit on. I will kung-fu kick you in the head. All those other times, though, just between us, yeah - call me whatever you like.

So, anyway, I decided that the blog name has to be understandable by those ang mohs (since I got lots of ang moh friends who read my blog and will forget how to get to it if the URL is some hokkien swear word), and also has to be clean. Clean one only then can, hor! Donch suggest dunno what biglanchiao.blogspot.com or digyourcheebyehole.blogspot.com because my mudder will smack me. Furthermore, I think even those digital life bodos will be scareded after they anyhow go and write cheebye word in the paper. Next time newspapers won't have cheebye one, I confirm plus guarantee.

I've narrowed down the possible alternative blog names, and, in typical singaporean fashion, booked them all. Here are my favourites:

1) king of brog (http://kingofbrog.blogspot.com):

YOU THINK YOUR BROG VELLY POWDERFUL HAR? NAHBEHCHEEBYE LIM PEH SI KING OF BROG LEH! AI SIO PAH MAI?

Good title, hor? My holy holy bro likes this one best.

2) we have a winner (http://wehaveawinner.blogspot.com):

I am a winner. You are a winner. WE HAVE A WINNER!

3) orsome brog (http://orsome.blogspot.com)

You know har, whatever brog I have hor, is better than awesome. It is ORSOME. Dunno whether ang moh can unnerstand singlish word like 'orsome', but I think this name also quite powderful.

4) The Long Ruler (http://longruler.blogspot.com)

This one I donch know lah. Like very shy like that leh, to say I got long ruler. If I make this as my blog name, next time I must always carry a pencil box around already otherwise people ask me show them my long ruler I will be paiseh and blush until like crab like that.

5) HELLO MOMMY (http://hellomommy.blogspot.com)

This one my mother sure approve one. Also quite funny, leh, donch you think?

6) I heart God (http://iheartgod.blogspot.com)

I am a holy boy ok. Donch play play. I heart God, because God is cool.

OK tell me which one you all like the best - try not to suggest new names already, unless you can find the URL and chope it, and it meets the guidelines, hor. OK? Steady or not?

FANKS HOR!

Moving On...

scan courtesy of scanning master lancerlord

So, finally, the newspapers managed to put my stupid picture in the stupid papers. Am I supposed to jump up and down and shout hooray now? People have all been congratulating me, saying now I very the famous, saying wah, see, now they recognize you liao!

LANCHIAO!

Not that I want to be ungrateful or anything, but people put one tiny tiny picture only, then my URL also put so many starstarstar, how the fuck are people supposed to come find me? Most people I bet tried to surf to bigf***.blogspot.com, and really put in the starstarstar. I wanted to go register that domain, hor, but then, kanina blogger cannot put starstarstar one. Other people kena newspaper, their hit counter jump jump jump like underneath people put pogo stick like that, my one move like a kanina tortoise like that. Fuck.

Aiyah, no choice lah, no choice. It was nice of them to put my picture up regardless, I suppose. All this just confirms what I've been thinking for a while - it's time to move URL already. My mother and father have been telling me all week that they want me to change my blog address, and now that we're living under the same roof, I don't have much of a choice.

So, all you ladies and gents, anyone have any good suggestions? I need to move somewhere easy to find, yeah? Somewhere eye-catching, but all the same, it has to be uniquely me. Also, despite the fact that I swear swear here and there, at least the URL must be clean, ok?

I try a lot already, but all kena chope leh! Quick quick give me suggestions.

FANKS HOR!

Edit: ok, actuarry, hor, my hit counter IS jumping a bit. Looks like people know how to fill in starstarstar after all!

I'm Not a Geek; I'm a VERY POPULAR BLOGGER, OK!

So yesterday was the big blogger meetup. It finally had to happen, and I obviously had to go. I mean, I've been reading blogs, chatting with bloggers online, talking about blogging and, naturally, blogging blogging blogging for the last couple of months, so it would have been totally crazy not to have gone, right? Furthermore, there were free drinks. Given that I am a card-carrying cheapo, I could not stay away. My oh-so-happening friends have been giving me ridiculous amounts of stick for being a blogger, so I didn't really advertise the fact that I was headed to the convention; instead I rolled in oh-so-fashionably late with evie and sandra, sneaked in to the back of the convention, and immediately began schmoozing.

There were a bunch of people talking in the front, but that wasn't what I was there for. I mean, while the sunday times was a little harsh, it wasn't exactly very the exciting. There was no juggling, the bloggers never tell jokes (even Kenny Sia never tell jokes leh! so boring, hor!), no chiobus showed us their nehnehs (until later in the VIP room lah), so it wasn't all that fun. Open mic was a bad idea, lah - everyone who comes and talks will surely be DAMN BORING, can? Interesting people where got so buay hiao bai go and walk to the front and talk cock? Take me, for example. I am damn interesting, ok. Just ask all those people who kept giggling when I was talking cock - I am a damn excellent public speaker, can? Either that or my fly was down the entire time and I didn't notice. Either way, the fact remains - I spoke, and people were entertained. WHY ORGANIZER NEBER ASK TO SPEAK HAR? I NOT FRAMOOSE ENOUGH MEH? HAR???? HARR??? I BELLY HURT LEH!

I would write more about what happened in the convention, but there have been tonnes of reports already. I like blinkymummy's and adrian's the best, mainly because they mention how cool I am (just so you know, I AM DAMN COOL OK! WHY NOBODY ELSE SAY HOW COOL I AM? I feel so slighted.)

The press was there, too, but, as most of you know, all they could say was how boring it was. Again, they interviewed the wrong person. I am awesome for sound bites. Furthermore, I am a semi-por-pu-lar blogger, am I not? People have told me, of course the press won't feature my blog, because of the naughty URL. I say, aiyah, use blanks lah! My friends reply; some people very stupid, cannot fill in blanks one. But you see, if you tell people to fill in blanks, they cannot be THAT stupid, right? Reporters, for example, could quote me as follows:

Joel Tan, who operates an oh-so-naughtily named blog at bigf__k.blogspot.com (must fill in blank hor), said "KNN CHAOCHEEBYE HOW COME NEWSPAPRER EBERY TIME NEBER INTERBIEW ME HAR? I NOT FRAMOOSE HAR?"

You see, events like this, essentially, are the only times bloggers like me get to feel special for being bloggers, I figure. When I'm not blogging, I'm busy getting flak for blogging from my friends, who tell me what a nerd I am. That's why I go to these places, where I can get plastered with other bloggers, where I can introduce myself as Joel, and have people say they like my blog, where I can be the biggest drinker there, where I can get into the VIP room and see nehnehs; that's what these things are there for, right?

After the event, I found my way to china black, where I could barely get to the front of the line by mingling with a bunch of random ah bengs; I'm good at mingling with ah bengs like that, you see. Anyway, I asked them if they read blogs and all, since I'd just come from the conference and was still thinking about blogs.

"Simi brog? Porno si boh?"

Ah well, at least for an afternoon, I got to feel sort of special.

I am a Frickin' Champion

Anyone who knows me knows that I lose things all the time; peoples' numbers, money, common sense - I'm known to misplace all this shit from time to time, mainly because I'm a bit of an idiot sometimes. Last night, though, I broke a personal record by managing to misplace my cell phone approximately 30 hours after I got it. Yes, that's right, if I've given you that number, you can stop calling it; even if it did ring, you wouldn't be calling me. Instead, you'd be calling either:

a) Some godforsaken drawer which, at the moment seemed a very clever place to put my phone, but for obvious reasons, turned out to be a not so clever place to lose my phone.



b) Some unknown cab driver, or some cab's back seat, or the handbag of some whore who fortuitously picked up my phone, and very graciously decided NOT to return it.

c) Mutant cats who ate my goddamn phone as I dropped it somewhere



d) A strange hybrid of all of the above.

Damn it, cell phones are like little fish, trying to escape from my pockets all the time. It doesn't help that I hate jeans. I always wear loose pants, which my devious phones wriggle out of. Also, I blame alcohol. It's a well known rule that cheap drinks contribute directly to losing cell phones. After spending most of the morning searching for it (I went through my phone operating SOP - called my phone, which was off, went through my pants, which smelled of smoke, but had no phone, tried to retrace my steps after coming home, most of which i couldn't remember), I have finally concluded that the stupid thing is lost.

Fucking cheebye. At this rate, I should start welding cell phones to my head.

Toronto Once More

The last couple days have been pretty hectic, but, like I said yesterday, I'm finally back in Singapore. Toronto was awesome - my friend and I explored the Toronto Islands south of the city, and ended up hitting the beaches. As we walked, we suddenly saw signs for a 'clothing optional beach', and decided we had to check it out - you know, research purposes and all. We walked down the beach, then we walked some more, then we walked some more, but there was no 'clothing optional beach' in sight. Eventually, about a thousand years later or something like that, we finally found the beach, and discovered it was filled with wrinkly old men. It was not a pretty sight.

Following this, we discovered the value of signs. This sign probably means 'danger, slippery'.



Man, that grass sure was slippery.



After this, we were very tired. Given that we are two Asians who were in a foreign city, we had to take pictures, right? We were super tired, though. Thus, we ended up taking lots of pictures of the sky. From benches. See, how artistic!



We took many, many pictures like this.

That's pretty much all we did in Toronto. I mean, there was other stuff, like walking, and eating, and seeing stuff, but hey, you can refer to my last post about Toronto if you want to know more about the city.

Before I sign off for the day, though, Jess pseudo-requested creepy pics. Seeing as to how she was not in Toronto and also gave me her address, I had to go take pictures of her house. Creeepy.



Yes, she lives in a restaurant. I suspect she's secretly asian.

Tomorrow I'll tell you all about Istanbul; as for today, I've realized I'm a lot more idle in this country. I brought a shitload of dirty laundry home, then I realized that I wouldn't have to wash it - we pay the maid to do that stuff. I went to Adam Road to eat Prawn Noodles, and was going to clear my tray, but then I realized that they pay the sanitation engineers to do that. To stop myself from going crazy, I decided I would cook dinner, so I'm off to do just that. Later, y'all.

Home, home, home

I'm writing this from Changi's free internet terminals.

I'm back, baby. At long last, I'm back.

Change of Plans

So, seeing as to how there's a hurricane in New Orleans, I'm headed to Toronto. Again. Not that any of this matters, of course. Nonetheless, if anyone is going to be in the vicinity, give a call, yeah?

Sweet.

Road Trippin'

So tomorrow, I set off for the south, specifically N'awlins. It'll be a long drive down, but given my awesome driving skills, I will probably be able to run over a couple pedestrians on the way down. Or perhaps drive into a truck. Considering how trashed I am now, anything is possible.

Seeing as to how my road trippin' buddy will be bringing his laptop, I may just be able to write an entry or two to check in from the road. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, though.

Once again, I'll be back in the 'pore on the 12th.

Check you all later!

J.

The Incredible Disappearing Act

So, in case you all are wondering, I haven't quit this yet. I'm just, well, in hibernation. I'm planning a grand trip of the south, and must not be disturbed from my preparations. Granted, this might include some binge drinking, perhaps a cigar here and there, and copious amounts of video game time, but hey, it's all in the name of progress, if you know what I mean. Naturally, by 'progress,' I don't really mean any sort of productivity.

I'll be back in Singapore somewhere around the 12th of July, and hope to blog my head off then. Until then, however, I'm going to focus on my full-time occupation, drinking. And driving. Though not in that order; I'm not crazy yet, you know.

Alright folks. Sorry for being such an errant blogger, but I have responsibilities to my last days of life away from my parents, you know.

Regards,
J.