Yesterday a friend of mine came over for dinner. Actually, to be more precise, he came over to watch me eat dinner, and also play some Grand Theft Auto. It was good times, man. While I was doing dishes, we talked about audioblogging and he decided to interview me. You can listen to the interview here. You can also listen to some of our ultra boring (seriously, ultra boring) dinner conversation here.

Audio blogging is really fun, even though the quality of posts seems to drop (at least, in my case) exponentially. Here's an example of the stupid things people say on audioblogs. Seriously, like, what the fuck, right? I know, I know.

Anyway, I was looking at blogs that link to mine, and other than hot babes like Celly (who recently even got featured by BOTH Mr. Miyagi and Cowboy Caleb) there were also some weirdos (don't want to mention any names - sekali I lose fans then how?). My favourite sites were the ones which people must have clicked 'next blog' from - you know, the random blogs which are, more often than not, absolute shit.

Check out this site in particular; allegedly a 'top secret website' of a mysterious individual named 'mike'. He lists the initals of 'people he wants to kill' (oooh...scary), mentions his best friend, the ever faithful Sm, and curses his sworn enemy, the nefarious Kejvrbkjeadfhbvf. Who the fuck has a sworn enemy named Kejvrbkjeadfhbvf? Who is this guy? Conan? Dyslexic Conan?

Anyway, he lists all the names of "people hoo no about this page" at the bottom, and ends with the request "Tell me if u find it, and I will post your name too…"

Quick quick! Go tell him! Then we can all be his "secret amigos".

So fun, right? I know!

Here's a helpful lesson on American lingo:

Ok, so I've noticed that Singaporeans all love saying how they're 'stoned' or list one of their favourite hobbies as 'stoning'; just so you guys all know, it's different here in America. Much different. You can get yourself into funny situations saying these things. You see, in America, getting 'stoned' involves this:



For those of you who don't know what that is, good for you. It is illegal. Unless you live in Holland, in which case, you would be saying, 'oh, that's just weed,' or, perhaps, something that sounds more like 'ah! das guerning zook dem zeuw!'* since you speak dutch'

Yes, in America, being 'stoned' invariably has to do with a drug, specifically, the drug displayed above. That drug is marijuana.

See, in Singapore, someone who is 'stoned' looks like this:


original picture here

In America, however, someone who is stoned looks more like this:


original picture here

So, the next time you Singaporeans go to America, please make sure you know who you're talking to before saying how 'stoned' you feel.

The other phrase to watch out for is 'high'; while you can say you are 'high' in Singapore after a few drinks, you only get 'high' in America if you've been puffing the magic dragon, if you know what I mean. All of you take note! Or don't...not like it matters to me.

* No, I don't speak dutch and no, I have no idea what I typed.

Addendum: The author in no way has any knowledge of drugs. Don't ask him. He's a good boy, you know.

Today, we talk about being cool. See, lots of people are cool. I like to think I am cool too. As we all know, the easiest way to convince peoples of something is to tell it to them many times. Eventually, they will forget who told them and assume it is true. So, assuming anyone is here to read this, I am damn cool.. Yes, I know, some of you might have been thinking that for a while now, but it is true. I am really super duper cool. I am so cool that when I walk into a room, the walls start crying. Sort of. You may wonder: 'why are they crying?' The answer is - beecause I am so cool.

Anyway, to celebrate my coolness, I've designed a poster. My walls cry because it is so great. I am really wet because I am getting cried on so much.



Ok, so maybe the walls don't really cry. In fact, maybe my ceiling is just leaky. Or maybe it isn't, and I'm lying, and my walls aren't crying. You will never know. But anyway, I still think that it's important to love yourself once in while. Or perhaps every day. I mean, people don't do it enough. Everyone indulge yourself a little, make posters celebrating your coolness. They can look like this:



or, if you don't like drawing, they can look like this:



(just so you know, I have no idea who that girl is. I found her xanga after flipping through a shitload of xangas, and didn't read it; I hope she doesn't get pissed. But she really shouldn't, since I'm making a picture celebrating her sort of good looks, right?)

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Just tell everyone how cool you are. Because damn it, what good are these things for if we can't all say how awesome we are on them, right?

That's right.

Note: first things first; I've been notified by an incredibly helpful reader that the bloglines feed for this site somehow doesn't work. It's slow as shit, and generally sucks balls. Please use the RSS feed instead; seriously, it's way better. I think you can still use bloglines, but at least you won't be using that crap atom feed.

Once again, I'm in the library; I just submitted my degree application for this quarter, meaning that I'm going to graduate, well, soon. Hopefully. From time to time I'm a useless shit. It's true; I have to admit it. I was reading this page (yes, I often read my own page; I'm special like that) and a friend happened to glance at it. He said I shouldn't read the page at night because the pictures were damn scary.

Thus, in order to give all your eyes a rest, today will be a picture-free post.

Anyhow, woke up a little too early today; it was about 9.25 and the buzzer rang. I hate getting out of bed before my alarm goes off. In fact, I hate getting out of bed even after the alarm goes off. Let's just say I hate getting out of bed in general. It really sucks. So I haul myself out of bed and realize my back aches like shit.

How the hell did this happen?

I suspect that this must have happened while I was doing wushu yesterday. I knew that whole butterfly kick thing was a little too much for my body to take.

With this in mind, my resolution for today is to groan a lot and act surly.

Life is great when you set low targets. I mean, as the saying goes, 'if you never try, you'll never fail'. No wonder why I'm such an overwhelming success.

Oh yeah, while I was reading Mr. Miyagi, I saw his reference to a certain web machine that calculates readability of webpages and whatnot. According to the algorithm, I did better than even the almighty Mr. Brown, ok! What this allegedly means is that, while my writing is at a (slightly) higher level, it's still more readable. Yeah, right. I suppose this just proves that it doesn't matter how good your style is, nobody will read you if you don't have content. And web cred. Mr. Brown has loads of web cred, mang.

Ok. I see a cute girl I have to make conversation with. I need to go, so I can hobble over to her with my bad back before she leaves the library.

You know those times when you take a whole bunch of awesome pictures, somehow forget to save or something, and all the pictures disappear? Yeah, that just happened. I just painstakingly used my foot photography skills to take pictures of me in wushu stances, had a whole series of pictures featuring another one of my stuffed animals to represent what i've been doing the last couple days, and even had a little pictorial lick-my-jesus-esque comic strip, ready to be photoshopped. Unfortunately, I am an idiot, and managed to un-save it at the last minute, or something equally stupid like that. Long story short, you guys are going to have to settle for a brief recap of my last two days.

I really didn't do anything the last two days.

Ok, maybe eat, sleep, breathe, shit, that sort of thing; I've been doing that. All the rest of the time has really been spent (sort of) in this pose:



Ok, actually, not really. More on that later, though. Note the mess accumulating in the corner of my room and on my desk. I've really been living like a slob. Why? I blame this:



No, I don't mean my un-made bed, though I've been spending a lot of time in it; I blame the big black box on top of my fridge (yes, that's a fridge) and the littler black box on top of it. Yes, it's my playstation. Let me just state for the record that it's kind of awesome to stay in bed all day playing playstation games. It really makes you feel like you're on vacation...and also a huge dork. I know, I know, you're thinking, man, that's pathetic. Let me explain, though.

So, like I said, I've been playing this game, right, Grand Theft Auto - the latest (and greatest) installation is really super addictive, not because of the fact that you can jack peoples' cars, not because you can shoot lots of innocent people, but because, get this, you can go to the gym and workout, and also go to fast food joints and eat. I know, some of you are probably thinking, that's stupid, what does any of that matter? Oh, it totally does; seriously, when you see your character's muscle statistic increase by two percentage points, and feel the vibration on the controller when he gets hungry, then watch him go and eat, you almost feel like you're getting stronger / fuller yourself. Seeing as to how I have a hard time keeping track of reality, I can't shake the feeling that I've been working out a lot lately, when all I've really been doing is pushing buttons. Man, I have to put the playstation in the living room before it destroys my life.

Before you write me off as a complete dork, let me state in my defence that I've also been doing some wushu. I feel my muscles getting bigger already. Soon I will be able to fight like Bruce Lee...before he started doing kung fu, or Jackie Chan...'s infant son. Yeah, then everyone will be scared of me...or at least those little kids, they'll be scared of me. Yeah, that's right.

Other than that, it's really been kind of uneventful. I tried to capture my mood, and ended up taking this photo:



It comes pretty close, except my eyes are kind of glazed over, making me look like I'm on drugs, so I tried again:



This captures how I feel, like, 75% of the time I'm alive. If they made an emoticon like this, I might actually start using it.

Seeing as to how I've been feeling exactly how I look in the picture, I decided to amuse myself by cycling through the two pictures I just took. I made another one of those animated gifs:



Awesome, right?

Yeah, that's all I have to say right now.

Oh, yeah, grades for winter quarter just came out. I kicked ass, because I am damn brilliant. I just thought all of you should know.

I'm just back from Kabuki Lady Macbeth at the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. Ok, I see those incredulous looks on your faces. What, just because I like to say fuck a lot, you think I'm not cultured, is it? WRONG! I am very cultured, ok! In fact, I'm a bona fide culture vulture! Don't play play!



Yeah, so I saw the picture; I like Japanese stuff, I had nothing better to do, it was 15 bucks, so I thought, yeah, why not. From the picture, I seriously thought it was going to be something like Kurosawa's Throne of Blood; you know, lots of awesome samurai action and whatnot, or maybe kabuki action. Whatever. I mean, just compare the posters:



See the striking resemblance? I was all ready for lots of Japanese, and maybe some funny singing and whatnot. That would've been awesome. However, I was shocked to discover that the actors in the play were all ... ang mohs! Yes, that's right, despite the black hair and painted faces, it seems that none of the actors spoke a word of Japanese, other than perhaps 'shogun', which they said about a billion times. That's right, every other name in the play (ok, they use titles like Kurokawa and Tikitikitiki or something that sounded like that) was the same, but nonetheless, they felt obliged to call Duncan the shogun. Retarded, I know.

On top of this, Macbeth had a hairy chest. And a pot belly. How do I know? Well, in the duel to the death with Duncan (yes, they felt compelled to have the two characters duel to the death; it was bizarre), Duncan somehow manages to take off Macbeth's cape. I was almost expecting a pool of mud. And some wrestling. I mean, what the hell? I don't want to see a tubby guy with red underpants! I wasn't paying for Sumo Lady Macbeth, damnit!

Lastly, the fact that they were all speaking in English made the whole affectation of the Kabuki thing fall flat. I mean, I guess they couldn't be expected to speak Japanese, but then, why try right? I guess it's important to bring Kabuki to the Americans, but hey, I guess I wasn't exactly their target audience. I should've just gone to Japan and seen real Kabuki. Seriously.

Naturally, there were a couple of redeeming factors. Shozo Sato did a pretty good job of conveying the feel of a Kabuki production given the limitations of the space he was working with. Given the modestly sized theatre, it would have been kind of unreasonable to expect trap doors and revolving stages (though I still wanted that stuff anyway, because it would have been oh-so-kickass); he put together a real pretty set of screens, lights, feather boa forests and red paper blood baths. It was all very pretty, really. Also, considering it was 15 bucks, I could think of worse ways to spend the evening. I mean, all in all, it was a real great night out; a play, a nice Japanese dinner, great company. I'm surprised I still can write such an irritated sounding rant.

Actually no, I'm not. I can be irritated at anything. Oh, the actors laughed real funny, too. They'd do this stylized, stage laugh that was a 'huh huh huh' instead of a 'hee hee hee'; it sounded like a cross between Fat Albert and Apu from the Simpsons. It was funny, though; it cracked me up every time.

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I'm one of those asians who's always looking at the white man and saying, 'you have no idea; you'll never get it, so why bother trying?'

Maybe I should just be more open.

Then again, maybe white dudes trying Kabuki should first learn some goddamn Japanese.

I've always liked the sound of my voice. One time I was singing on the bus while going home from school, and my friends turned around and said, 'eh, you sing damn horrible lah why don't you shut up.'

Since that day, I've always sung to myself instead. Unless I go to karaoke, in which case I sing as much as I want because damn it, I paid money already, right?

Anyway, seeing how Mr. Brown has been releasing a series of podcasts, I suddenly feel that it's time for people to hear my voice. I might not have a nice voice, and I might not even be entertaining, but what the heck. It's not like I have anything better to do. Click here to play the file, and don't let your parents here, because I like to say bad words some times.

Oh yeah, if you're inspired to release your own audio blogs, check out audioblogger; I can blog from my handphone, ok! Shiok or not? Oh yeah, it might only work in North America though.

As some of you may have noticed, I've made minor changes to the layout of this site; I've also put up a couple more buttons (RSS feeds, voting links - be sure to click them ALL) as well as a little box showing how you can put a stylo milo button on your site linking to mine. Yes, I know you want to do it - don't think; just do it! Anyway, let me know if any of these template tweaks look stupid with your respective browsers, so I can fix all these problems; I use firefox, so I'm not sure if the site will look the same on, say, microsoft's internet sucksplorer.

Ok, back to business. So, as some of you may know, I've recently been fairly obsessed with Singapore blogging sensation Cheng Yan Yan, because she is, well, damn attractive (Oh! Those cuss words! Those curls! That tongue that spawned an internet phenomena!); I even drew a picture of her:



Nice, right? Some of you might be thinking, 'I don't believe this stupid fucker can draw.' You are wrong! I can draw very nice! Here's a picture I drew of myself:



Yes, that's right; I have sunglasses that say 'bad ass'. I'm just that much of a badass. Oh, just so you know, I quit smoking just over a week ago, so that's one of the last pictures I'll have with ciggies.

Anyway, back to my internet crush. So some of my snobby chicago friends, after reading xiaxue's blog, talked about how she wasn't that attractive, or used too much makeup, etc etc. I suppose it's true that she isn't exactly the most attractive woman in the world, but I think all this 'so and so isn't all that attractive' bullshit is getting just a little out of hand.

Let's face it, people. The majority of the world isn't that attractive. Seriously. There are a couple reasons why everyone's standards are so ridiculously high:

1) TV / the mass media: The problem with all this shit is that we see beautiful women / men every day. This makes us think, 'ah, since the world is so beautiful, I should be able to get someone good looking.' Let me tell you, this is a shining example of stupid thinking. Here's a news flash for the deluded: the beautiful people on tv are almost NEVER going to go out with you. It just won't happen, man! I used to dream about dating that girl from My Sassy Girl; it took me damn long to realize it would never happen. I was sad for a whole week. So, yeah, the majority of us will just have to be happy dating the average looking people we find.

2) The availability heuristic. Ok, this is a phenomenon in Social Psychology, which basically means that the easier something is to recall, the more common you think it is. Anyway, what this means is, since you find it easier to remember the pretty people that you see, you think they're more common. Thus, things work like this: you see pretty girl / handsome guy in Orchard / wherever. You find it easier to remember beautiful person (after all, they're beautiful). You thus think there are lots of beautiful people around. Haha! You are wrong! Next time you go out, open your eyes big big so you can see all the average looking people out there. Maybe you should even keep count of the average versus attractive people. The result? There are definitely less attractive people than average people.

Seriously, folks, this is an alarming trend. If all of us raise our standards so high, in the end, the whole world will end up chasing after the same 2 people or something. It will suck. Thus, I encourage all of you to find average people pretty.

I know, some of you will be saying, 'how the hell is this possible? Not attractive means not attractive, stupid!'

Fear not, I have a cunning plan!

See, there's this thing called the mere exposure effect; it's a really simple concept. Basically, the more you see something (or someone), the more you find it (or him, or her) attractive. No kidding. If you don't believe me, here's an experiment you can do it prove it.

1) Take this picture (an old picture of me from my NS days):




2) Print it out; even better rasterbate it first, and then print it out (on a side note, the rasterbator is an awesome program which you should check out regardless).

3) Put the picture somewhere you can see it every day.

After a couple weeks, you will probably think I am damn attractive. I know, some of you don't believe me; well, follow these instructions. I totally dare you.

So, anyway, back to the point. I think it would be damn awesome if we started a circle of people who just kept posting pictures of each other; then we would all seem more attractive. Just look at Mr. Miyagi; after posting so many pictures of himself, he begins getting wedding proposals and whatnot from random fans. This is clearly an example of the mere exposure effect. Here's my plan:

1) Everyone mail me their photos; the address to send things to is jschnorng@gmail.com.

2) Everyone post pictures of me in their blog and send me the link

3) I will reciprocally work in pictures of random bloggers in my blog

4) Do this with all your friends.

If it works out, everyone will become more attractive, because we keep seeing the same damn faces all the time. It will be awesome. Suddenly, we'll all seem a lot more attractive. I call it operation make everyone more attractive.

What do you guys think? Good idea, huh?

Awesome.

Before I sign out, I just saw a link to my blog in the comments section on some page written in an obscure language (incidentally, the post was a ripoff of a recent xiaxue post). Man, I love being quoted, especially when it's in a foreign language.

Long Tongues are the Essence of Sexy

Ok, I got a couple comments regarding pictures of myself. This made me think of pictures. Hence, I'm going to bombard all of you with my pictures. I think this is awesome. You are free to disagree with me, but hey, at least I like how I look, and that's half the battle. After all, it's been scientifically proven that thinking you look good makes you look better, right? Obviously, I must be correct.

Why the pictures, you ask? Well, I've decided to show my allegiance to the Singapore blogging community and post my 'too sexy for my blog' picture (if you don't know what this is about yet, read Mr. Brown or xiaxue for the low-down on this); check out my amazingly long tongue:



Wah! What a long tongue! I know, all of you females out there must be ridiculously excited. Others will be thinking, who is this joker? Gene Simmons? The cow / horse headed demon from hell? What a scary looking tongue! In the interests of all you people, there is a more conservatively lengthed tongue as well (yes, I can retract my enormously long tongue on command, thus making it even SEXIER!):



I also included a version where I used the mood lighting to create an effect of extra sexiness:



Ok, that looks more like something out of a horror movie, I know. Nobody would want to be friends with someone who looked like that, right? Just in case all the hot girls reading this are scared of me now, let me remind you that I actually look like this:



Ok, I'm obviously fooling around here. Sunglasses, I feel, automatically make you look cooler. The same, however, cannot necessarily be said for the whole hand thing. You know, that hand thing. What the hell is up with that? Is it a gun? Is it a seven? Are you trying to turn your fingers into a picture frame for your face? None of this makes any sense to me, except that people think it makes them look cool. I suppose it might make you look cool, but it's more likely to make you look like a dumb shit who thinks his fingers can shoot lasers. Which they can't. Unless you're me. Which you aren't.

On this subject, however, funny poses I see people (especially us Asians) doing sometimes really crack me up. Having rediscovered the joys of my camera, I shall model a couple. There's the classic V-sign:



Every mother father cow pig donkey in Asia (ESPECIALLY JAPAN) has done the V-sign, or the peace sign, or whatever you want to call it, in a picture. Here are some examples I have found:



Exhibit A: Asian male with V-sign



Exhibit B: Asian female with V-sign



Exhibit C: Big-time Japanese politician with V-sign.

See? EVERYONE does it! Why? What does it mean? Is it a wish for peace? A sign of victory? When I was working in Tokyo, I asked my co-worker at the orphanage why Japanese people all seem to like making the peace sign.

Me: Why does everyone in Japan make the peace sign?
Him: What?
Me: You know, the peace sign?
Him: Peace sign?
I make the sign
He makes the sign.
Me: Yeah, that sign.
Him: I don't know.

Upon further questioning, the best answer I got was, 'sometimes Japanese people don't know what things mean, but just think they look cool.' I got that answer about a shitload of things I asked about in Japan.

Another sign that seems to have been co-opted is the whole 'rock out' sign, except Asians seem to need to do it with two hands (since one is not enough):



The scowl is, of course, necessary to make you look cooler. Or constipated. They might just both be the same thing. Alarmingly, I have seen a variation of the 'double rock out' pose which involves crossing your hands as well:



No kidding; I've actually seen a bunch of people posing like this. I have no idea what they're thinking. Can't people just take pictures normally? The 'crossed rock out' pose, naturally, stems from both the 'double rock out' and the 'ultraman' pose:



Ok, actually I think the ultraman pose is kind of funny.

That's enough modelling now, I suppose; I know, all of you must be wondering, 'wait a second - how did he take pictures of those two-handed poses on his webcam? don't you need a free hand to click?'

Ok, maybe none of you were wondering that, but for those of you who were, I applaud your perceptivity. You will go far in life. Or, at least, further than all those casual bastards who didn't think about how hard it is to put this goddamn blog up. Yeah. Anyway, note the strange angle I've been posing at for these double handed shots:



I now adjust the camera so that you can follow my body and ....



TADA! Yes, that is indeed my foot, controlling the mouse. See what lengths I go to for you guys?

Alright, that's obviously enough silly pictures for a day. I'll now leave you with an extremely serious group photo I took with my friend, Randy, the ear-cleaning rabbit:



Alright, I'm out. Later, people.

technorati tag: sexyblogger

So, my new playstation 2 just came in. Yes, I know, everyone else has had one for ages. Yes, I know, the playstation 3 will soon come out and make my humble playstation 2 obsolete. Nonetheless, I've spent the greater part of today playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and it's totally, mind-numbingly, awesome. If not for games like this, all of us would actually have to spend our time being useful human beings, instead of being able to escape to a magic la-la land where we all get to be bad-ass thugs who can beat up all the bad guys (or good guys) and steal peoples' cars because they are pretty (the cars, not the people).

So, other than the trip to Toronto, Spring Break has been pretty uneventful so far. We explored suburbia a little yesterday (no pictures from that; suburbia is bloody boring) and went to eat. Eating is awesome. Have I mentioned how much I love eating? I think eating is the best part of being a Singaporean; when we were in Secondary school, I remember doing some survey on the things you liked best and least about Singapore. They gave you options like 'stable government' and 'good economy' for things you liked, and options like 'lack of social freedom' and stuff like that for things you disliked. I picked none of the options, and wrote in 'food' for my favourite thing, and 'weather' for my least favourite. I mean, all the other things are important, but man, I eat every day, you know? I don't think about the government every day. I'm far too stupid.

Anyway, today I got my first fanmail from this site. This, I feel, is completely awesome. I know, fan mail is kind of a far cry from having beautiful women throw themselves at me. Perhaps this is because they are shy, and don't know whether I'm suitably attractive. Thus I've decided to put another face shot up. Yes, here is my face, in all its glorious detail:



You must be wondering where this awesome photo was taken. For your information, it was taken in a ridiculously swanky restaurant on the 54th floor of some tower or another in Canada. Yes, I'm just that classy. You must be thinking, 'holy shit, this guy must be loaded if he can eat in ritzy restaurants.'

You are partially right, in that I can eat at ritzy restaurants. However, this is due to the fact that I am damn stylo, rather than due to the fact that I am loaded. I am, in fact, super poor. Notice that I am drinking a coffee. That's all that I had. It was super expensive. I'm still broke. I spent so much on the coffee I even took another picture of it:



Notice the awesome view, as well as the nuts. The awesome view indicates, once again, how classy I am. The nuts, on the other hand, were free. They were also lunch. Yes, I'm that cheap.

Some beautiful women will be thinking 'oh shit, seeing as to how this guy is so cheap, he'd probably be a really lousy date.'

This is totally untrue. One day, I will be really incredibly rich, and then I will be a cocky bastard, and not have anything to do with poor bastards, because that's what rich, cocky bastards do. Hence, all of you better invest for the future and go out with me now, while I'm still a nice guy. Furthermore, I'm only cheap until you get to know me, after which I am super generous, as evidenced by this one time when I gave my friend a WHOLE BOX OF POCKY for his birthday. Pocky is damn tasty, you know; this proves my superb generosity.

Ok, so once again, hot babes please send emails to jschnorng@gmail.com

Alright, that's enough for now. I have to go back to increasing my street cred and killing people who piss me off. Sometimes, video games are just that much cooler than the real world. Unless lots of hot babes message me. Or people start sending me money. Either would be totally awesome. Yeah.

Toronto: A City With Lots of Buildings In It.

So I just got back from Toronto last night; I'm all unpacked and rested, and now have got around to blogging about it. I know, my faithful fans (all 3 of you) must be excited. In today's entry, I share what I've been up to for the past couple days. It's totally awesome, mainly because my life totally rocks and you wish you were me. Except maybe smarter. And maybe a little richer. But yeah, whatever.

Anyway, having left in a complete hurry on Thursday morning, I neglected to bring a camera on my trip. Some people would say that this was caused in part by the fact that I do not have a camera. This may be true. Perhaps, if I had a camera, I would have been more likely to bring it. Well, it's too late for thoughts like that now, isn't it? Fortunately, my buddy was there to take a couple pictures for me. Unfortunately, I don't have them all, and said buddy is leaving for Alaska tomorrow. Fortunately, I have an idea.

So, we were at Niagara Falls (which, as far as waterfalls go, is a pretty big waterfall) and there was this guy who took your photo against a green background, and then gave it to these guys who would photoshop Niagara Falls into the background. This gave me a clever idea - instead of boring you all to tears with a pictureless account of my trip, I will instead painstakingly recreate the pictures I took in Toronto. Don't worry, given my superb photo editing skills, these shots are all about 97% similar to the shots my friend has in his camera. Really. I'm that good.

So, we arrived in Toronto on Thursday night. It looked something like this:



Ok, maybe it didn't look like that at all, but we were tired, so we hung out at Chinatown for a while, then went to sleep. Anyway, any pictures would totally have turned out like that, because it was so damn dark. Seriously.

So, the next morning, we went to see the CN tower. It did not at all resemble the Seattle tower. Ok, maybe it did a little bit, but it was cool in a totally different way. I was a little disappointed at the fact that it wasn't all that tall, though.



I was taking a picture with the tower, and I almost knocked it over. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'man, that picture is complete bullshit; the CN tower is taller than that!'

No, it isn't. I happen to be a couple thousand feet tall, thus the picture is 100% accurate. Or maybe 98%, because I look 2% cooler in real life. And also shoot lasers.

So, after seeing the tower, my friend and I were hungry, so we went for brunch at St. Lawrence's market. It was a nice, quaint sort of place, and the peameal ham sandwich was really tasty. Man, I love eating pig, especially when it was juicy. We decided we had to take a picture of the market.



My friend said we had to retake the shot, seeing as to how I blocked the sign, so we took another shot.



I was happy with this picture, but he said I was still blocking the pole thingy in the background, and told me to move to my right. I was all, like, 'but then you'll barely see me!'



SEE WHAT I MEAN? This picture totally sucks! Being the clever dude that I am, however, I decided to animate the three pictures - this way you get the best of both worlds, seeing both the market and me. Unfortunately, none of the image hosting services that I use support animated gifs. You can see the glorious gif in question here; it's like a home video, only slower. And possibly more fantastic.

After this, we walked around a little more, and eventually ended up in Chinatown. Seeing as to the fact that I'm damn huge, we only managed to take a picture of my shin. You can see all the signs in chinatown, though. Several of them were in Chinese. It's lucky that I speak Chinese; I'm a good Singaporean like that. However, it's not so lucky that I'm huge. I squished a lot of people. Next time I will be more careful when I walk.



After a fun-filled friday, we went to Niagara Falls on Saturday. My friend said, 'eh, if you jump off the waterfall, I bet a damn lot of people will visit your site,' so I did it. Here is proof:



Boy, did my feet get wet. Niagara Falls is goddamn wet. It's as if it's raining all the time, except it's also cold, and everyone just freezes their ass off. There's a 'journey behind the falls' thing, which you pay money for, allegedly to see behind the waterfalls, but, if you are smart, don't do this in the winter. All you see is ice. It's all frozen. You can't even hear the bloody water. I was so disappointed. Who wants to see chunks of ice, anyway? I have plenty in my freezer. I'll make a 'Niagara falls in the winter' diorama and charge people 2 bucks - less than half price! I'll be super rich.

Ok, I hope you enjoyed my account of my trip. I'll be back soon with more exciting stories! YAY!

Everybody Loves to Tak Giu!



Since I'm about to abandon you, my loving newfound audience, I thought I'd leave you something to entertain yourselves with:

So, I was reading Cowboy Caleb's blog and came across his recommendation of a new local movie attributed to Jacen Tan. Having downloaded and watched said movie (it's totally free; you can download it here; it's a 15 minute short) here's what I think:

I like soccer. I like Singapore. I like movies. I like free shit.

WITH SO MANY THINGS TO LIKE, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY LOSE?

Alright, now I'm really going to shut up for the day.

I fucking win.

My current mood is aptly expressed by the phrase, 'FUCKS YEAH!'



At long last, my finals are over! FUCKS YEAH! I can now chill out and celebrate and drink myself into a drunken stupor; in fact, as I write this I've already started. I have party hats and confetti at the ready, it's seriously time to get down and par-tay!



Yes, it's been a gruelling past couple weeks, staying up way past my bedtime to further my academic career, but I am finally done for the quarter; everything is peachy and awesome once again.



Holy shit, who the hell is that freak?



Sorry folks, I seriously don't know where those weird fuckers come from.

Anyway, back to business. I noticed that I'm getting a shitload of traffic from the comments I left on Cheng Yan Yan's blog. This is awesome. Thank you all for stopping by. I know some of you are probably thinking, 'Yeah, this guy made one or two funny comments, but how good is he really? Maybe his blog is like all those other angsty blogs, where people whine about how they can't get laid and shit like that. We don't want to read stupid shit like that.'

Let me assure you this blog is not about stupid shit like that. This blog is totally fucking sweet. Sometimes I read what I've written, and I'm drinking some soda, and I laugh so hard I spew soda all over my computer. Other times I laugh so hard I almost crap myself in the pants. Sometimes I laugh so hard I have to stick a finger up my ass to stop the shit from coming out, since I'm laughing so hard. Yeah, that's right. I'm that funny. If I crack myself up, I should be pretty funny, right? I think so, anyway. Yeah. Like I said before, you should all link me / bookmark me / read every day even though I might not update. I mean, I read my own shit a whole bunch of times every day, and I don't get sick of it. That's right.

I have a piece of bad news, however - I won't be updating this thing for the next couple days. I was chilling out last night (here we define chilling out as banging my head against a table while trying to study for my Japanese final today) when I got an email from a friend, asking me whether I wanted to take a road trip to Toronto on 'thursday'. I was all, like, 'hell yeah, bitch! I'm getting OUT of here!'

I just realized he actually means tomorrow.

I figure, though, what the fuck, I'm a spontaneous kind of guy, right? I mean, I'm done anyway, it's probably time for a change of scenery. The question on my mind (and, I'm sure, a whole bunch of other peoples') is, 'what the fuck is there to do in Toronto?'

Being the avid netizen that I am, I searched google for things to do in Toronto. Apparently they have an awesome chinatown. I mean, come on, they have so many chinese in Toronto that they were affected by the SARS outbreak. Obviously they must have a good chinatown, right? On top of this, there is water and stuff. Oh, and hockey. I know, this doesn't exactly sound like the most appealing set of reasons to go to Toronto. Other than the big chinatown, I suppose. I haven't eaten good chinese food in too fucking long. Seriously.

To make myself feel more excited, I looked for pictures of Toronto:



Ok, not bad, I guess it's quite pretty.



Wow. Toronto has buildings. Errr...awesome.



More water. Again, not bad, except I really don't like water all that much.

Eh, whatever. I suppose you never know till you go, right? I'll be back on sunday (that's probably monday for all of you in sunny singapore) with stories and pictures and stupid shit like that. See you then!

Is it just me, or are most of the best blogs out there written by really angry people? I admit, I'm a pretty angry person myself some times. I mean, just today I was dreaming of slamming people into their laptops; what I find alarming, though, is the fact that most blogs which genuinely make me laugh all seem to involve showing us all how stupid some generic group of people are, or why something sucks, or why person x is a fucker and his / her genitalia should fall off / s/he should be die / be mutilated / get raped by smelly dwarves etc etc etc. Is that really what people find funny? Ok, fine, I admit I find the idea of fuckers getting raped by smelly dwarves kind of funny, but seriously, are we all depraved like that? What happened to humour of the good, clean variety? Let me consult my friend, bobo the baboon:





Sorry folks, Bobo's been kind of cranky since his family was captured by the zoo. I try to tell him it's all for the best, but to be honest, he's not taking it very well. He's started drinking, as well, you know.



I suppose the lesson we can learn from this is that baboons don't really give a shit about good, clean humour. So much, then, for asking baboons. Eh, fuck baboons, anyway.



So, anyway, being a psychology major, I have learnt that thinking angry thoughts only serves to make people, in general, angrier people. Makes sense right? Imagine, for example, you're getting on a bus, and there's a fat person, and you think to yourself, 'damn fat people, always blocking my way on buses,' the next time you interact with fat people, you're that much more likely to think, 'oh, this is one of those fat people who's always getting in my way on the bus. Fucking fat people.' While it might be true that fat people do indeed take up more space on the bus, do they really deserve to be ridiculed solely based on their weight? Notice I'm not really answering this question; some days I secretly wish that all fat people would be made to sit on exercise bikes all day long, because I think fat people on exercise bikes look damn funny.

Err...so...my point...well...basically, maybe it would be nice if, for a change, everyone tried to be nice and prosocial on their blogs, making light hearted, unoffensive humorous comments on their blogs instead of ranting against whoever pissed them off last. Perhaps this would make the world a better place. In other words, angry bloggers fucking suck. And should die. And get raped by dwarves. Unless they're me.

Yeah, something like that.

Oh yeah, and baboons suck.



Ok, I have to run away from an irate baboon now. I'll see you guys later.